from the moment i set my foot at the doorstep of my room, i immediately grabbed the assigned readings for democratic theory. i started reading. yet, it seems that not even a single thing reaches my grasp. words after words gush, but i could not discern.
i am troubled. again.
encapsulating my being, at this very moment, is a feeling of anxiety - anxiety about my future.
i can't help but think about it. there are so many things to do, so many tasks to accomplish, too many goals to achieve, and too many failures to cope with. but it seems there is too little time to do this. time is of the essence, i barely noticed it. and i better start getting serious about life this time.
so much space were already provided to hold my failures and frustrations in the past that discussing them, again, will not only be redundant but will further emphasize how stupid i was. stupid, in the sense that i knew they were coming and yet i didn't plan nor strategize to counter them.
lessons. each mistake, every frustration, and all of my failures were now a glimpse of an ironic past. lessons were in fact learned, carefully evaluated and pondered upon so that when the same, or close to such, emerges i will not fret nor fear never, but face it with courage.
and this time i have to be consistent. to force myself to be goal-oriented output-driven is the most favorable thing i could do for myself to at least alleviate the pains and burdens i am carrying within. i have to emerge as a victor against myself, against that dark, desolate part of me that pulls me down, that hinders me often in fulfilling what i want.
wisdom. it is something that i want to gain. and only experiences will provide such, experiences that were rationally taken as turning points. in such case, the gloomy, dark past were not, in actuality, bad after all.
clash of ideals and reality. the problem with me is that i took almost everything idealistically. it becomes a problematic, when my obssessive compulsive, perfectionist character hovers within me.
make a stand, grow up. i always lived in the past may be that is why i couldn't move on, i am sticking with it - with the rather happy memories it etched in my mind, with the rather unprecedented achievements i have gained. i ought to grow up, move on. and for my own good, i have to be strong, make stand and be firm about it.
it is extremely ironic that there are many people who trusts my ability, who believes in what i can do and yet, i do not see them in the way those people do. now, i believe that people are certainly different when it comes to how they value things. on my part, i always concede that there are many people who can do things better than i do without realizing that it does not really matter, what is really important is i have done something i could be proud of, not because it is the best, but because other people believe in it. they believe in me.
there are so many people that i have to thank, and be grateful for - from the most primitive to the recent past: for believing in me, for trusting me, for caring for me, for showing affection, for showing a little act of kindness, for being true, for trying to understand me, and for being themselves when they are with me, despite and inspite of my flaws and imperfections.
my family, esp dad & mom. my siblings: chia, michaeo, mirelli. my h.s. friends: lillen, shiela, paul, rhea, yran, zaima, muriel, richard, hance, ron, there, ida, dom, andrew. my h.s. mentors: t. valerie, t. imee, t. gina, t. brenda, t. rommelyn. my college friends: lucky, louie, ryan, alden, emerald, maricris, lyra, joyce, geoff, lenoi, mannilyn, ginno, richelle, kat, rizelle, din, arjan, jelai, joc, mark, eric, etc.; sir tayao, sir tobias, ma'm melai, ma'm shake; polsci forum people; my socc friends; gap people; chatmates before & now. my bestfriend, john(+). yriz. everyone.
a new me would be happier, jollier and outgoing. a new me will be someone who would speak his mind out. a new me will be always inspired. a new me will be broadminded. a new me will be more approchable. achieving a new me will be a gradual, incremental process.
a new me starts by ending this, i have to finish off my readings tonight for tomorrow's class.
these are enough for my birthday. still, it doesn't sink in - i am turning twenty, 6:30am, 06 july.
forbid it, almighty one.
---
i like this song.
"vincent"
starry, starry night,
paint your palette blue and gray,
look out on a summer’s day
with eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
shadows on the hills,
sketch the trees and daffodils,
catch the breeze and the winter chills
in colors on the snowy linen land.
now, i understand
what you tried to say to me,
how you suffered for your sanity,
how you tried to set them free.
they would not listen.
they did not know how.
perhaps, they’ll listen now.
starry, starry night,
flaming flowers that brightly blaze
swirling clouds in violent haze,
reflecting vincent’s eyes that shine of blue,
colors changing hue,
morning fields of amber grain,
weathered faces lined in pain
are soothed beneath the artist’s loving hand.
now i understand
what you tried to say to me,
how you suffered for your sanity,
how you tried to set them free.
they would not listen.
they did not know how.
perhaps, they’ll listen now.
for they could not love you
but still your love was true.
and when no hope was left in sight
on that starry, starry night,
you took your life as lovers often do.
but, I could have told you, Vincent,
this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.
starry, starry night,
portraits hung in empty halls,
frameless heads on nameless walls
with eyes that watch the world and can’t forget.
like the strangers that you’ve met
the ragged men in ragged clothes,
the silver thorn, the bloody rose
lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.
now i think i know
what you tried to say to me,
how you suffered for your sanity
how you tried to set them free.
they would not listen.
they’re not listening still.
perhaps, they never will.
