an emotion that transpired
a sensation that surmised the course of time, over a period;
an inward burst of an emotional variation, profound
creating such a moment of peace,
a moment of an inner satiable desire for tranquility and temperance
unuttered, just kept within;
the feeling soars unperturbed,
free flowing, all encompassing
enveloping the innermost aspect of the being;
courage defeated, paralyzed by a moment of trepidation, of fret -
fear of committing mistake,
fear of regression, protection univocally desired
subconscious attraction of freewill,
submitting to the desire of an ultimate being.
Monday, January 31, 2005
Friday, January 28, 2005
Nothing.
"the radiant glow of daylight, the redeeming grace, that has long since been waited upon could not be anticipated any longer for when it proclaims that it is tired, it is enough – it has to depart!"
three summers ago i was blinded by a strange sort of idealism. i almost believed that what i have been during high school will be carried on as i step into college. i aimed at this, aspired for that, pondered upon this, try to get that. i dreamt and sought for the best things, knowing that these are not beyond my limits and just within my grasp.
along the way, everything went wrong! i was suddenly awakened from the deep slumber. it all happened so fast, and in a wink of an eye i was lost and nowhere to be found. i fell, broke into pieces… shattered… crushed. all of my fears, worries and anxieties gradually unfolds manifestly and became soaring reality.
eventually i got none – every single thing slips away from my tight grasp, the harder i tighten my grip the more it slithers like a liquid; like a gas. it is totally vague, undecipherable whether or not such mistakes – the causes of my loss, my downfall – were due to my choices, limited capacity and infirmity; the condition around me, the environment i have gotten myself into; a conjunction of both; or something else. three years of acrimony, of regret, and of indignation… and still appears to be counting, accumulating.
the edge is cloudy, gloomy and dark – worse than a stormy sea; turbulent water, un-pacified stream, cloaked and shrouded firmament. horizon remains uncertain directly proportional with surmounting disappointments.
to uncreate the created, to move towards new directions, to discover new routes – these were the only things left in the tiring, interminable soujourn - at the expense of depreciating vigor and vitality, of collapsing interest.
what lies beneath, what lies ahead, what is in the other side remains dim. apparently seems to be unconquerable, invincible to the extent that not even a single reason is sufficient enough to continue… to go on… to move… three years after, the people around have found their selves, located their own spaces start to build their own worlds totally unmindful, not wanting to be disturbed.
three years after, things almost remain as they are, minor adjustment, little achievement, weakening goal, idealism compromised, stationary yet yielding. time comes when the heart gets too weak, too limp and feeble – wanting to cease from its customary function. and when it does, it will just halt – without a sign, a warning beforehand. and when it does, the corporeal body must pass on and never shall come back again.
three summers ago i was blinded by a strange sort of idealism. i almost believed that what i have been during high school will be carried on as i step into college. i aimed at this, aspired for that, pondered upon this, try to get that. i dreamt and sought for the best things, knowing that these are not beyond my limits and just within my grasp.
along the way, everything went wrong! i was suddenly awakened from the deep slumber. it all happened so fast, and in a wink of an eye i was lost and nowhere to be found. i fell, broke into pieces… shattered… crushed. all of my fears, worries and anxieties gradually unfolds manifestly and became soaring reality.
eventually i got none – every single thing slips away from my tight grasp, the harder i tighten my grip the more it slithers like a liquid; like a gas. it is totally vague, undecipherable whether or not such mistakes – the causes of my loss, my downfall – were due to my choices, limited capacity and infirmity; the condition around me, the environment i have gotten myself into; a conjunction of both; or something else. three years of acrimony, of regret, and of indignation… and still appears to be counting, accumulating.
the edge is cloudy, gloomy and dark – worse than a stormy sea; turbulent water, un-pacified stream, cloaked and shrouded firmament. horizon remains uncertain directly proportional with surmounting disappointments.
to uncreate the created, to move towards new directions, to discover new routes – these were the only things left in the tiring, interminable soujourn - at the expense of depreciating vigor and vitality, of collapsing interest.
what lies beneath, what lies ahead, what is in the other side remains dim. apparently seems to be unconquerable, invincible to the extent that not even a single reason is sufficient enough to continue… to go on… to move… three years after, the people around have found their selves, located their own spaces start to build their own worlds totally unmindful, not wanting to be disturbed.
three years after, things almost remain as they are, minor adjustment, little achievement, weakening goal, idealism compromised, stationary yet yielding. time comes when the heart gets too weak, too limp and feeble – wanting to cease from its customary function. and when it does, it will just halt – without a sign, a warning beforehand. and when it does, the corporeal body must pass on and never shall come back again.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Reflections on Nietzsche's thought.
"find myself very much interested in deciphering nietzsche's thought, even though just at the mere thought of it is in itself nerve-wrecking - causing neurons to self-destruct."
almost halfway reading beyond good and evil; still have to finish a 167 page genealogy of morals. still have five hours to finish all the non-crap thing. planning to write a pseudo-analysis, meta-evaluation this weekend, which expectedly a precursor to thinkpiece two - postmodern philosophy.
somewhere in my reading, was able to accidentally bumped into a some kind of parallel connection between a dot of nietzche's grandiose thoughts to mine's random nonsensical, unimportant viewpoint (as compared to the man)
here's what i got myself into:
homo sapiens in the postmodern world lives in a system where opportunity seems becoming less and less. less chances are present in creating and producing a great individual - honed and manufactured by extreme societal conditions whose vigor and energy are drastically pressed to its very last.
what eventually brings humanity to this present state is that the past has been responsible and kind enough - or unkind enough? - in putting their concepts into tangible structures, which we - luckily or unluckily live in and with today.
morality has been standardized. rules were already set effective. norms were foreground-ed. institutions and structures were fixed.
all are expected and duty-bound to follow. conformation is imperative for an individual to fit in - to belong. convergence is projected to create order in a human niche - to temper the un-tempered, to pacify the un-pacified; in short, to bring man away from his animalistic nature towards what they call a 'civilized' one.
things brought by these institutions become a necessity; and obedience in it is a 'painful compelled conformity and restraint'.
is the organization of mankind into a kind of definite system the real intention of the naissance of these restraining institutions? or is it bound towards something else – to serve the interests of the few?
what is left in the course of human history is an unavoidable and unconscious destruction of the prevailing societal institutions, morality, rules and norms. men, in an ever-seeking unsatisfied tendencies will continue to deviate, divert and probe on new horizons.
some people will rise to accept the challenge. they would choose to be different, stand alone and live independently – can be the most loneliest, most concealed and most deviant, the master of his own virtue – the human being beyond good and evil. they come in a non-significant number, their impact may not be felt now but the fruition of their toils will come some time in the future – may be it is exactly how the future shall be defined.
postmodern philosophy is a break-away from these institutions to free the human esprit from the barriers it posed and created. these institutions are viewed as non-significant elements; questioned and deconstructed to emphasize the significance of man’s freedom as defined and concretized by the acts of the will – one’s own choosing independent from any rules or laws.
nonetheless, amidst the destruction of the definition of morality arise the readiness to assume great responsibility.
almost halfway reading beyond good and evil; still have to finish a 167 page genealogy of morals. still have five hours to finish all the non-crap thing. planning to write a pseudo-analysis, meta-evaluation this weekend, which expectedly a precursor to thinkpiece two - postmodern philosophy.
somewhere in my reading, was able to accidentally bumped into a some kind of parallel connection between a dot of nietzche's grandiose thoughts to mine's random nonsensical, unimportant viewpoint (as compared to the man)
here's what i got myself into:
homo sapiens in the postmodern world lives in a system where opportunity seems becoming less and less. less chances are present in creating and producing a great individual - honed and manufactured by extreme societal conditions whose vigor and energy are drastically pressed to its very last.
what eventually brings humanity to this present state is that the past has been responsible and kind enough - or unkind enough? - in putting their concepts into tangible structures, which we - luckily or unluckily live in and with today.
morality has been standardized. rules were already set effective. norms were foreground-ed. institutions and structures were fixed.
all are expected and duty-bound to follow. conformation is imperative for an individual to fit in - to belong. convergence is projected to create order in a human niche - to temper the un-tempered, to pacify the un-pacified; in short, to bring man away from his animalistic nature towards what they call a 'civilized' one.
things brought by these institutions become a necessity; and obedience in it is a 'painful compelled conformity and restraint'.
is the organization of mankind into a kind of definite system the real intention of the naissance of these restraining institutions? or is it bound towards something else – to serve the interests of the few?
what is left in the course of human history is an unavoidable and unconscious destruction of the prevailing societal institutions, morality, rules and norms. men, in an ever-seeking unsatisfied tendencies will continue to deviate, divert and probe on new horizons.
some people will rise to accept the challenge. they would choose to be different, stand alone and live independently – can be the most loneliest, most concealed and most deviant, the master of his own virtue – the human being beyond good and evil. they come in a non-significant number, their impact may not be felt now but the fruition of their toils will come some time in the future – may be it is exactly how the future shall be defined.
postmodern philosophy is a break-away from these institutions to free the human esprit from the barriers it posed and created. these institutions are viewed as non-significant elements; questioned and deconstructed to emphasize the significance of man’s freedom as defined and concretized by the acts of the will – one’s own choosing independent from any rules or laws.
nonetheless, amidst the destruction of the definition of morality arise the readiness to assume great responsibility.
Friday, January 21, 2005
Darn scholarship.
i was able to enroll because of the **** this semester. she helped me get a scholarship via the recommendation of *** **. it relieved me most knowing that i would be able to save the money that i will be receiving from my dad. fine, i knew that dad can still support my schooling and on this point I am not in dire need of such a scholarship. but then is this not a good opportunity for me to be able, if not to help my parents lessen the family’s expenses, at least to put up some savings? plus, this has been a major factor in my decision to stay in ust. i would have shifted and transferred before the semester started.
i thought everything was okay by then. if it were not for the preliminary examination, i was not able to find out that this scholarship is all but a hoax – a sham! i was not able to have my permit come examination day. so what i did is to check it out.
i went to the dean’s office, discuss the problem with ms. ***** and she told me to ask about it in osac and accounting. so I went there. osa told me that scholarship grants from ***** office are not within their jurisdiction. the accounting office told me to bring at least some necessary documents from the dean’s office. But since the dean was out, i was not able to have it processed. hate bureaucracy. hate the way it works.
the next option was to get a temporary permit.
i talked to ******, she told me she cannot do anything about it because, in the first place, she doesn’t know anything about it. the agreement was between the **** and i, so i should be talking with the **** not with her. No problem with me, I waited for mr. ***** instead. He gave me a pseudo-permit fortunately i was able to take the examinations.
come thursday, i went back to the office to talk to her. she was there. presented my case. the almost five-minute conversation ended up with me not getting any scholarship anymore, and worse, hearing unkind words. she raised three points: first, that she was, allegedly, still looking for a sponsor, unfortunately none has been found at this time; second, that i should have been satisfied and glad that she assisted my enrolment this semester, it is enough; and third, that there are more who are in need of scholarship than i, my dad is still with me and works i should ask from him.
i admit two mistakes. one, i have been confident and assured that everything is fine and smooth-sailing that the thought of processing it occurred to me less and when i checked it, it was very late. two, i had relied on and upon it too much.
i thought everything was okay by then. if it were not for the preliminary examination, i was not able to find out that this scholarship is all but a hoax – a sham! i was not able to have my permit come examination day. so what i did is to check it out.
i went to the dean’s office, discuss the problem with ms. ***** and she told me to ask about it in osac and accounting. so I went there. osa told me that scholarship grants from ***** office are not within their jurisdiction. the accounting office told me to bring at least some necessary documents from the dean’s office. But since the dean was out, i was not able to have it processed. hate bureaucracy. hate the way it works.
the next option was to get a temporary permit.
i talked to ******, she told me she cannot do anything about it because, in the first place, she doesn’t know anything about it. the agreement was between the **** and i, so i should be talking with the **** not with her. No problem with me, I waited for mr. ***** instead. He gave me a pseudo-permit fortunately i was able to take the examinations.
come thursday, i went back to the office to talk to her. she was there. presented my case. the almost five-minute conversation ended up with me not getting any scholarship anymore, and worse, hearing unkind words. she raised three points: first, that she was, allegedly, still looking for a sponsor, unfortunately none has been found at this time; second, that i should have been satisfied and glad that she assisted my enrolment this semester, it is enough; and third, that there are more who are in need of scholarship than i, my dad is still with me and works i should ask from him.
i admit two mistakes. one, i have been confident and assured that everything is fine and smooth-sailing that the thought of processing it occurred to me less and when i checked it, it was very late. two, i had relied on and upon it too much.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Unexpected comment.
"Heading home, walking unaccompanied, I found myself in deep conflicting thoughts. The thoughts unfolding, apparently building, rising – fast paced, made me feel small and non-existing. I would have wanted to, in fact, amid the stillness of the earth-structures and mobility of creatures, blend with the perpetual moving wind and be visionary imperceptible... gone with it forever."
Least did it occur on my mind that a person would tell such a remark barely humane. A person, rational and in a right state of mind would be mindful of his words, sensitive to the object of such thought and kind enough to seek whether or not it is offending. And take it from someone who’s like a brother, even more, suffice it is to feel down, embittered and disappointed. That very act is a dissipation of morale and tramp upon the ego.
This rancorous incident keeps on resonating between my auditory senses.
As we are about to leave the premises of ab after the anti-anxiety lapuz exam, my group was discussing the plan of going to EK this coming saturday. I asked **** to leave right there and then, as what she did just yesterday. To be more considerate of it, I decided to wait and went to the guidance ofc for a while. I was with **** then. We stayed there for almost a minute or two and left immediately. We walked towards the group. They were standing in front of rizal con still on the same subject.
Meanwhile, adjacent to the avr are seats occupied by few people, some of them are acquaintances. ********, ***** and few ca’s were there. **** was a bit ahead of me. Our steps were fast-paced, I overheard someone by the name of **** jokingly exclaimed “*****”. Then this **** noted further “** ***, *****” with obvious disbelief and reproving thought in a reproachful tone. I didn’t look back, advanced towards the group, asked **** if she wanted to leave her book to me and bring it home, and with no word, even a simple gesture of goodbye, walked away.
I felt really bad. I wanted to shrink as I passed among the crowd. I felt so alone – needing company, as I always do. I admit that I am not one of the best looking people, not even better.
Added to this is the condition that I have to endure, which until now I ponder upon why, look for non-obvious answers and try to understand even if I cannot and will not. I did not want this to happen, it comes along and it’s really frustrating. There are times that I do not want to go to school anymore, just stay home and do other things instead. One reason probably why cannot do the things I can do and supposed to do as a student and student-leader is this condition. It hinders me because I am a perfectionist - I believe that if things come in complete package, its better. I am conscious – I want to project to the outside world that I am some body and I am good. I am vain – I want to look presentable, at least, to be appreciated and warmly received.
I am having a hard time coping with this. It lowers my esteem and deteriorates my being. I cannot wait any longer.
And with this remark, a kind comment and zealous gesture from a friend, it builds upon me a structure of disappointment and frustration. More than ever, I now realize the fact that I do not have the right to exist and do things that others can. I am a nobody - non-existent – a minute particle in this world whose place is unknown and irrelevant and even if it strives, it is unwarranted.
There are limits to the capacity of every individual. It is just so f*cking darn thing that even I am aware of the fact and believe that I can do better than what I am right now, this some what simple thing to others but big deal to me is the very limit to the maximum and optimum development of my skills and abilities.
I would have done better, I would have been better. But sad to say, I have to endure this until it gets off. This very thing that despairs me most plus a most unlikely comment is adding insult to injury plus coming to some one considered as a comrade, it is really disappointing.
Now, I believe there are reasons no more to trust and unlock my life to this person, as much as this do to me. I trust easily but hardly give it all. My life has never been an open one. I rarely talk about it and open it – only to some but these are just a minor portion of a whole. And if it does, it is divided to few individuals not on a single one. Bottom line, trust is some thing not to be given. I am glad that I did not start to share. I would have been disappointed more.
Now, one thing seems to be so sure, I will keep my self at a distance – mindful but insensitive.
Least did it occur on my mind that a person would tell such a remark barely humane. A person, rational and in a right state of mind would be mindful of his words, sensitive to the object of such thought and kind enough to seek whether or not it is offending. And take it from someone who’s like a brother, even more, suffice it is to feel down, embittered and disappointed. That very act is a dissipation of morale and tramp upon the ego.
This rancorous incident keeps on resonating between my auditory senses.
As we are about to leave the premises of ab after the anti-anxiety lapuz exam, my group was discussing the plan of going to EK this coming saturday. I asked **** to leave right there and then, as what she did just yesterday. To be more considerate of it, I decided to wait and went to the guidance ofc for a while. I was with **** then. We stayed there for almost a minute or two and left immediately. We walked towards the group. They were standing in front of rizal con still on the same subject.
Meanwhile, adjacent to the avr are seats occupied by few people, some of them are acquaintances. ********, ***** and few ca’s were there. **** was a bit ahead of me. Our steps were fast-paced, I overheard someone by the name of **** jokingly exclaimed “*****”. Then this **** noted further “** ***, *****” with obvious disbelief and reproving thought in a reproachful tone. I didn’t look back, advanced towards the group, asked **** if she wanted to leave her book to me and bring it home, and with no word, even a simple gesture of goodbye, walked away.
I felt really bad. I wanted to shrink as I passed among the crowd. I felt so alone – needing company, as I always do. I admit that I am not one of the best looking people, not even better.
Added to this is the condition that I have to endure, which until now I ponder upon why, look for non-obvious answers and try to understand even if I cannot and will not. I did not want this to happen, it comes along and it’s really frustrating. There are times that I do not want to go to school anymore, just stay home and do other things instead. One reason probably why cannot do the things I can do and supposed to do as a student and student-leader is this condition. It hinders me because I am a perfectionist - I believe that if things come in complete package, its better. I am conscious – I want to project to the outside world that I am some body and I am good. I am vain – I want to look presentable, at least, to be appreciated and warmly received.
I am having a hard time coping with this. It lowers my esteem and deteriorates my being. I cannot wait any longer.
And with this remark, a kind comment and zealous gesture from a friend, it builds upon me a structure of disappointment and frustration. More than ever, I now realize the fact that I do not have the right to exist and do things that others can. I am a nobody - non-existent – a minute particle in this world whose place is unknown and irrelevant and even if it strives, it is unwarranted.
There are limits to the capacity of every individual. It is just so f*cking darn thing that even I am aware of the fact and believe that I can do better than what I am right now, this some what simple thing to others but big deal to me is the very limit to the maximum and optimum development of my skills and abilities.
I would have done better, I would have been better. But sad to say, I have to endure this until it gets off. This very thing that despairs me most plus a most unlikely comment is adding insult to injury plus coming to some one considered as a comrade, it is really disappointing.
Now, I believe there are reasons no more to trust and unlock my life to this person, as much as this do to me. I trust easily but hardly give it all. My life has never been an open one. I rarely talk about it and open it – only to some but these are just a minor portion of a whole. And if it does, it is divided to few individuals not on a single one. Bottom line, trust is some thing not to be given. I am glad that I did not start to share. I would have been disappointed more.
Now, one thing seems to be so sure, I will keep my self at a distance – mindful but insensitive.
Saturday, January 01, 2005
Here comes 2005.
a new year comes in
ten,
nine,
i had a great time spending the traditional media noche with my family. this is the first time we've got to spend it away from our grandparents. it's really nice that we've got to spend it alone. Though I miss the fun of being with relatives
i am thankful to God for here's another year, with a new hope that things will change for the better and that the past will be left sealed, memories shall remain as guide.
i am thankful to god for giving mom back to us. there's this point when we thought we would never gonna pass such a critical point. thanks to him, she's still with us.
eight,
seven,
and on with our simple celebration. simple as it is may be, i am very much delighted and contented. though, i wish that in the near future i'd be able to share with them the best things in this world. on the second thought, suffice it is to stay in tact, than have all the riches in this world but lacks the family tie.
after the media noche. i'm thinking about starting my thinkpiece, but for some reason, wasn't able to start it immediately afterwards. i went online and checked out some friends. and made some testimonials too.
six,
five,
i am happy.
i do not know why. i do not know if there are really things to be happy about. call this paranaoia? maybe.
there are a lot of things I am hopeful for this year. With the same reasons to be anticipated and looked forward upon.
i have with me the enthusiasm and vigor to start the year with optimism. i just wish that things will go my way.
four,
three,
i am excited about:
+ starting reading seriously and comprehensively the required readings in political theory
+ resmeth - from writing, revisions to defense
+ starting and finishing off projects in all minor subjects - ex pych (1) and comp (1)
+ forum projects: i should head one and the 2nd polsci convention
+ keeping up my savings and limiting my expenses
- less starbucks
- should not eat in school
+ going to the gym with rizelle on summer
+ summer's on the job training
two,
and
i hope i would be able to sustain and keep this. low profile, high in spirit.
a new year comes in.
ten,
nine,
i had a great time spending the traditional media noche with my family. this is the first time we've got to spend it away from our grandparents. it's really nice that we've got to spend it alone. Though I miss the fun of being with relatives
i am thankful to God for here's another year, with a new hope that things will change for the better and that the past will be left sealed, memories shall remain as guide.
i am thankful to god for giving mom back to us. there's this point when we thought we would never gonna pass such a critical point. thanks to him, she's still with us.
eight,
seven,
and on with our simple celebration. simple as it is may be, i am very much delighted and contented. though, i wish that in the near future i'd be able to share with them the best things in this world. on the second thought, suffice it is to stay in tact, than have all the riches in this world but lacks the family tie.
after the media noche. i'm thinking about starting my thinkpiece, but for some reason, wasn't able to start it immediately afterwards. i went online and checked out some friends. and made some testimonials too.
six,
five,
i am happy.
i do not know why. i do not know if there are really things to be happy about. call this paranaoia? maybe.
there are a lot of things I am hopeful for this year. With the same reasons to be anticipated and looked forward upon.
i have with me the enthusiasm and vigor to start the year with optimism. i just wish that things will go my way.
four,
three,
i am excited about:
+ starting reading seriously and comprehensively the required readings in political theory
+ resmeth - from writing, revisions to defense
+ starting and finishing off projects in all minor subjects - ex pych (1) and comp (1)
+ forum projects: i should head one and the 2nd polsci convention
+ keeping up my savings and limiting my expenses
- less starbucks
- should not eat in school
+ going to the gym with rizelle on summer
+ summer's on the job training
two,
and
i hope i would be able to sustain and keep this. low profile, high in spirit.
a new year comes in.
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