What To Do Now?

Here comes a point where understanding is too much elusive; and thinking perpetually amusing.

I have been undergoing a major overhaul lately. Too many things caught me up thinking in circles. After my mom died two weeks ago, I certainly had to do a lot of reorientation of priorities. It is not easy. And right now, I don't think I could muster the courage to grasp it all at once.

Honestly, my state right now is like the ocean shore or the sea shore or whatever. I know when the tide is coming up or low. But I am uncertain of how high or low it could be. In short, I am lucid but still my bottoms' are shaky.

For one, losing my mom when translated practically would mean I had to position myself to be a quasi-head of the family. Dad will be back in UK so I would assume responsibility of tending over my siblings. But of course, I just had to, oh well, act as an overseer. I always believed in a no-too-hands-on caregiving for I am in no position to rob off others with their own life experiences and discoveries.

So there I am, standing on subtle soils. Of course, I just can't shrug the fact of what to do with my own life given the circumstance that my parents would have wanted me to go to law school. And so it resurfaced. Oh well honestly, the reason why I decided not to take it is pathetic. I think I can't do it. I thought I am not for its rigors. Hence, I delimited my capacity even before I tried it. But it was also aggravated by the family's financial status and my own drifting to somewhere else.

And the complicated thing right now is: career or vocation? My stint in Palawan is not something I could easily give up on.

One, I had seen so much potential in it that I know I am going to grow with it perspective-wise. It can be about defeating what my college professor once said: that the youth of today cannot totally customize to what the great Rizal envisioned them to be because they have to watch over their lives first. On the contrary, the great sacrifice will be: even if you don't have and amidst all odds, you still pushed through it all.

Second, in my principle the things of this world are obviously meant to just lure you and it can't go in immortal. The phase is even a vicious cycle of acquiring and losing. It's about petty triumphs and significant failures. Oh well, that is the basic dynamics of life.

Third, what I started there I have yet to form a strong foundation. I haven't finished anything yet nor proved my worth to leave and start another. Besides, if I'm gonna retract I had to be certain where to go even though its murky.

One thing is sure for now: no one's gonna make things certain for me, I had to make it myself.

My Unguarded Wings.

Because of your love, I am born; Because of your life, I live to love

And I’ll be putting you in the marrow of my being
the curves that shape your pretty face
those tinted eyes moistened so often by tears of joy and pain
those trembling lips that spoke of substance and love
the velvety black hair that stands aglow the purple skies

All those I have encoded quietly,
for I don’t want to lose the chance
nor just wait and let the autumn leave fall.

Because you are my light,
a heavenly creation that dazzled in perfection.
You enveloped me with your wings, let those be
calloused by rough hitting winds
struck hard by the lightning’s fury
and pierced by the sharpest of thorns.

Those wings of yours, once pure and illuminating
suddenly were coaled by iron ore
were blackened by the midnight’s sorrows
and ripped by rebellious hands.
It’s all because of me.

You felt cold while I was warmth;
You were hardened so I could be tendered.
Armored by your firmness, I have gone protected,
Bound by your selfless love, I savored the best
And graced by your presence, I am nourished.
It’s all because of you.

Unconditionally, everything flowed from you generously,
until nothing is left for you to consume.
You didn’t complain, even once.
You contented yourself with the cold,
lying unprotected in that empty space,
unrelieved inside that emaciated burrow.

While I remained inside your mighty wings,
comforted in all eternity.
While you exposed your finite humanity
into the deadly venoms of the earth.
I was in heaven amidst this world’s imperfections.

And now that time has come for you to fly –
to spread those calloused wings, soar above the pristine skies
You left me with tenacity to stand against the currents
You prepared me to face the world’s empty promises
You delicately formed in me the seed of love, immortal.

You might have not realized your own dreams,
nor achieved that professional success
that you aspired of since you were born;
You might not have experienced full the lures
and caprices of this substandard human world

Yet you have fulfilled the greatest mission there is –
That of sacrificing your life, your dreams
to rear your blood to be functional and principled,
to found a family of worth and dignity
That of becoming a MOTHER beyond compare.

In Memoriam
Maria Liwayway Nadal-Abril
25 May 1957 - 13 February 2007
my mom
my inspiration
my strength
my all