Day 15: Formed for God's Family

The second week of this journey revealed to me that it is my purpose to worship God. By worship, it refers to my willful submission and the process of aligning myself to his will. On the third week, I am called to become part of his family. This I think is essential because Jesus encouraged us to profess our faith publicly so that we may become a light to other men that they may see our good deeds and praise our Father in heaven. Hence, he has called me to partake in a spiritual family, certainly a call I never heeded before because of my limited view. A spiritual family, I believe, is more than a support system, for it shall serve as an inspiration in a personal quest to know God deeper, better. Fact of the matter is, this family, though termed spiritual, is not at all perfect. The formation of such a group is a human all-too-human endeavor that is bound to man's inherent flaws and idiosyncracies. Thus, it is expected to wave and perhaps falter occasionally. But being in such a family, with one common advocacy, relegates the spirit of wanting to be with God-a spirit that is perfectly contagious to those who have initially chosen to live by their faith. Another fact of the matter is, although God created us, only those who heeded to his call forms part of his family. It is by one's willful surrender and acceptance that he or she can know God but it is through becoming part of his family-his community of believers- that one eventually strengthen the union and make the bond permanent. This is the call to become part of a fellowship.

Day 14: When God Seems Distant

"The deepest level of worship is praising God in spite of pain, thanking God during a trial, trusting him completely when tempted, surredering while suffering, and loving him when he seems distant."

First, I believed in God. I choose to take my chance on waging for him. Then, slowly he is revealing my purpose: that is, to live my life for Him, according to his will, not mine. Afterwhich, he told me that I was planned for his pleasure and upon my recognition and acceptance, worship and develop friendship with him. At glance, that seemed logically easy. But when interjected with my own circumstances and my own plans, dreams and desires, an inevitable conflict ensues at large especially because those things tell me otherwise. I can choose to follow my own will, especially that he doesn't instantaneously reveal his particular plans for me. And I would always be left wanting, trying to decipher that and looking for signs. But of course, he would always tell me, the path towards him is and will never be easy. For I am required to undergo a series of challenges and an altitude of tasks. What's worst is at that point where I will have to be so down, he would seem to make me feel that he is at a distant, far away from me and just merely peeking on what I am doing. Of course, I would be deeply hurt, perhaps severely scarred that I may eventually turn my back against him. And just when I do so, He would be glad enough to insist, "It is not I who turn my back against you, my child. It was you who did that. I was just here and always am here for you." I would go back to Him, regretfully accept defeat and try to win Him back. I would successfully do so because of His love. But with it comes the realization that He didn't really leave me, he was just true to his nature as a liberal and democratic God, who has left me to my own devices and see how skillful I am in using those to turn despondent moments into the best ones. And true to his words from the beginning of time, he never left, abandoned nor forsaken me. He was with me all the time, and it was I who did not see Him and it was I, left with the faculty of choosing, who chose not to be with him because of my petty insecurities. This shall have to be my story. And most perhaps, if not everyone else's.

It was a test of faith.

Day 13: Worship That Pleases God

God wants all of you.

Existential philosophy was once my solace in finding or not finding meaning in this world, as I depart from what I have grown to perceived as shallow and pretentious public worship. During those times I retracted from increasing my faith by not going to church anymore and by drawing back from the rituals I have grown accustomed to. I used to believe that I still believe in God, but slowly I was diverting away thinking beyond good and evil and resting entirely on human capacities. Swear, it was very hard to digest. Until now, I am not quite sure if I have understood everything well. I shrinked to my solitary self, worshipping a God I created and I chose to believe and not to believe some times. Such worship, private and intimate is more revealing and intense than that one in a congregation. I believed such a flock is nothing more but a pretentious sham. They would venerate their God, try to please Him and to look sorrowful before Him. But once they think they already had his forgiveness, they are back to their own true selves-misgiving, disparaging and conceited. The whole process of worshipping him is totally pointless. That was the reason why I went out of church, little did I know that slowly I have also slipped away from his grasp. What I did not recognize is that whether worship is public or private, it does not really matter. What counts is the intent of the heart at that moment when one worship God. At that moment, he doesn't need an opinion about how others do their own, what he needs is the total submission of the self-that one be on focus solely upon Him. A pure and authentic worship I believe is that one that emanates from the innermost part of a being, accepting his frailty and weaknesses and His need of God. And it is also doctrinal, based on what is written in the Scriptures. Truly, it's both the heart and the head that works in worshipping God. But I still have to contend with traditions that have incessantly become a routine, pure in form but void of substance.

----

A worship that pleases God is one which is authentic, hence intentional, the energy genuinely flows from one's spirit and is revealed by sincere emotion to connect with God's; is thoughtful, the mind is at work uttering the words forming phrases that are spontaneous yet true and overcoming sheer cliches; and is practical, it's about giving what one has and not what one can give when he becomes somebody, and it's about sacrifice which may be in forms of thanksgiving, praise, humility, repentance, offerings of money, prayer serving others, and sharing with those in need.

Day 12: Developing Your Friendship with God

My determined purpose is that I may know Him-that I may progessively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His person more strongly and more clearly. -St. Paul

Yesterday, I learned that through constant conversation in prayer and continual meditation, I could establish my relationship with God as my bestfriend. Today, I am faced with the challenge of knowing how it is to maintain such relationship. I had already resolved to get serious about this-to penetrate a world I have never been before but promises me peace of mind and unwavering company.

Achieving so many things as my earnest dream seemed to be delectable yet, they seemed to be empty enticement that only confused me. I have gained a lot of friends, but they have come and go. I believe this one is permanent and it is the only one I have to sustain. I perceive this as a small seed, which I have planted out of my own wanting to see it grow, nourish and flourish into a fine and exquisite creation. And in order to get things done, I have to submit into honesty, obedience, and unadulterated desire.

First, honesty would make me reveal myself to him completely-my good side and not-so good side. After all, this is what he wanted me to do, to exercise my 'human-ness'. Honesty is about being candid and frank about my thoughts and feelings. Often, I would have irrationalities and may blame him for my misfortunes but he would understand. And I will feel very sorry. He would acceptme back as if nothing happened. Honesty is about having to converse with him without the inhibitions of a toddler but still with reverence to a father.

Second, obedience shall be my way of developing my love for him. Out of love, and not because of obligation or guilt, I will earnestly follow his will as this manifest itself to me. Obedience furthermore is the transformation of my conversational friendship with God into actions, the way my relationship with Him must go on.

Lastly, an unadulterated desire to establish friendship with him would be my guiding light in wanting to know him more. I would crave for him to touch and enter my soul; yearn for him like in search for a lover's arm; hunger for him like I would for a BigMac and fries; and thirst of him like I would for a coke light.

Day 11: Becoming Bestfriends with God

God is a God never to be feared anymore as our ancestors did. God proved himself to be a loving God whose image is not that of a totalitarian or dictator. Throughout time, he has revealed himself capable of going down from his pedestal in order to win his people. He could have chosen not to do it because he is God. But out of love and in love, He did this unhesitatingly. Its outright manifestation is the deliverance we gained because He sent Jesus to redeem us. True enough, God has been becoming more of a personal God. This is treating Him with the a respect of a comrade and with a love of a sweetheart. Intimacy perhaps is a more befitting word to describe this kind of ideational relationship with God. And for that intimacy to grow and bloom into its fullest potential, becoming bestfriends with God is an inner voice that must not be turned down nor neglected. To this, I think I am responding quite well. Lately, I've found myself serious in prayer and meditation. It is through prayer that I have an open conversation with God. It is my spending time with him, where I utter thanksgiving and ask him for wisdom and strength to face each day's daunting challenges. And it is through meditation that God speaks to me in response. His words are revealing a good deal of great things that I myself has become overwhelmed. I am amazed at the interconnections of His word vis-a-vis my own experiences. They are slowly making sense to me. Gradually, I believe things are getting aligned. This I always say. But this I say because I am slowly learning to live by my faith, which requires me to establish a friendship with God. Of course, I still have to learn a great amount of things towards this quite seemingly impossible path that I am choosing. It's not an easy path, but I've got nothing to lose.

Day 10: The Heart of Worship

The heart of worship is surrender.

I am beginning to love the word surrender. Don't get me wrong, I don't have any masochistic tendencies and I don't intend to have one. I am a sadist, to confess. Well, at least, so far. I find it conventional to think about surrender as having negative implications. Beyond such sheer conventionality, the word "surrender" can be turned to encapsulate a winning streak especially when it is willfully done in honor of someone or something, such a high cause that can stir fulfillment to the desires of the human soul-the inner unadulturated self.

Surrendering to God in love is indicative of surrender as a winning streak. Of course, I have to emphasize that such willful surrender is always accompanied by the First Premise: believing in God. The purpose of surrendering goes parallel with the purpose of pleasing him. And God seems to be pleased by exercising 'human-ness' and through the act of worship. It is with the former that we live up to the reason of why we are created and it is with the latter that we establish and strengthen our connection with him as our Father.

Worship, however, is not just a mere utterance of songs and praises to glorify him. Worship, I believe is more of an admission of our limitations as human, thus, a fortification of the word surrender. It is an acceptance that we can not be like God whose infinity and being we can never ever surmise. After all, all human attempts to do so ended futile as human history is suggestive of it. To surrender also means to give up one's entire self to be aligned with God's purposes. This volitional surrender is of course founded on faith, strengthened on trust, and demonstrated by obedience.

Lastly, surrender means paving the way and pinning down what God wants us to become even if entails going against the current. Surrender is never losing, but winning the heart of God. And by far, it is the purest, unadulterated account of worship.

Day 09: What Makes God Smile?

"I don't want your sacrifices-I want your love;
I dont' want your offerings, I want you to know me."

Having pondered that it is one's purpose to bring pleasure to God, it follows then that it is manifested by making God smile. A smile is a manifestation of sheer joy. It means that one has done something that pleased the other. Making someone smile is not a very easy task though, since one has to consider what makes a person smile. It involves clear attention to details. Perhaps it may even involve unquestionable intentions to do so. I was caught dumbfounded several times by the lines quoted above.It spoke to the innermost portion of my being and I swear, I could almost hear him uttering those lines very passionately. The intensity of the pitch is perturbing my soul. More than ornate sacifices, more than gaudy offerings what he wanted from me is to embrace him as he is without turning away from my human-ness. This human-ness refers to my capacity to love, trust, obey and use my abilities as opposed to giving in to the pretensions that the existing world has been trying to lure me. Such human capacities are my ticket to establish a relationship with him. And this relationship furthers my being and becoming, magnetizes my soul towards him, and magnifies my intentions to bring honor and pleasure to him. Eventually God would have to smile, because amidst my imperfections, I exercise my human-ness and accept my weaknesses to get connected to him.

Day 08: Planned for God's Pleasure

I was created for a purpose. I am planned for God's pleasure. And it is my purpose to bring enjoyment to him and live for his pleasure. The first premise for these beliefs is that I choose to believe in God. Life is so much about surrendering to the things that we utterly believe in. Consequently, those things are the sources of our worth. A business mogul, for example, would live all his life improving his monetary empire because he feels it is where he finds his value. Likewise, an experienced scientist would try countless experiments and risk numerous discoveries because it's where his significance emanates. They took for themselves the obligation to enhance further their capacities in order to find their worth in this world. But no matter how great or small their contributions may be, I believe every one is inherently valuable. It is up to one, however, to yield to that impeccable belief. Our inherent value rests on the fact that we are created out of our Creator's magnificent love. And it is but just right to return the favor, such love, by seeking the things that brings him pleasure. Perhaps, a simple of act of worship would make us true to this call.

Day 07: The Reason for Everything

Anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life,
but if you let it go.. you'll have it forever, real and eternal
John 12:25

He is giving me so many reasons to believe. Beyond sheer reasoning and human understanding, I bequeath that is all for Him-for His Glory. As I accept Him back in my life, like a lost sheep going back to his Master, every single thing is gradually making sense. Bit by bit, each reveals its own purpose seemingly aligned to a larger, cosmic one. I may not be able to fathom them right now but I know time will reveal them manifestly.

Not so long ago, I was too caught up with my on world, too jaded seeking my own truth. I was driven to excel and to amass things that lure my senses. But even without Him, I have always convinced myself not to put everything into my head. In fact, I hated the system I thrived. I repulsed it. I didn't want to be consumed by it. Rationalization has been my defense; God was a mere concept that puts order in the universe. He wasn't my personal God back then.

But in a span of a month outside what I used to think as my comfort zone, I opened my eyes. There, I saw the reasons I have been looking for. Certainly, this process of alignment will lead me towards living my life for His glory, under His unending grace. And I am more than willing to stand up for the challenge.

--

It was only today that I have felt a meaningful connection with Gibson's Passion of The Christ. Never did I imagine before that such a linkage between the faculties of man and a media production could be so intensely powerful and revealing. Perhaps, before, I've just seen it as a mere depiction of Christ's sufferings captured in film for critical viewing purposes. But such vivid a portrayal bared so much depth that reasons cannot assume to encapsulate. The picture spoke straightly to the heart, perhaps to one's spirituality. Every strike of the lances and spears that ran deeply to Jesus' skin and flesh is a manifestation of a love so pure and so real. And in every jolt I had, upon seeing it, I couldn't help but appreciate more such ultimate sacrifice. It was my emotion that is seeing and connecting. It was my humanity speaking before God, saying how thankful I am to have met Him again. It was I who changed my mind before; it was I who has the capacity to change it back again. And this time, I won't make His ultimate sacrifice go into waste down the drain.

--

And so I pray,
Jesus, I believe in you and I receive you.

Day 06: Life is a Temporary Assignment

All that is not eternal is eternally useless.
-C.S. Lewis

Life is a big jigsaw puzzle. I have to assemble each pieces, otherwise they won't make sense. I have to painstakingly connect one part to its pair in order to capture the bigger picture. With a little of luck, I might assemble a portion in a very short time. But of course, there would be instances when I have to remove what is already assembled since they were not really meant to be paired together. These are moments when I thought I have already emerged triumphant in my quest to solve it, only to find out later on that there were some mistakes; sometimes fatal, sometimes not. There are points when others would assist me. But they would never last long. They would come and leave, just like the seasons in a year. At the end of the day, I would find myself alone, putting the jigsaw pieces together. In solving the puzzle, I certainly have my own upturns and downturns, even moments of heralded and missed opportunities. But only those pieces properly fitted would count. The process is not unilinear. In fact, it is hazy; I am always left alone to my devices in order to figure it out. And when I am almost done with it, I was finally told to leave it behind. If only I have known it, I would’ve not focused alone on matching the jigsaw pieces together but on catching each particular emotion I had every time I am able to finish a portion, on how each relationship felt every time some one would assist me, and on the joy of taking my time in deciphering the puzzle-those things that I could carry one with me.

Day 05: Seeing Life from God's View

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.
-Anais Nin

Often I wonder, what is life with God? What is it like to be in heaven? Those who had passed away, I imagine them in heaven, with all the angels and saints. They're singing melodic hymns of worship and praise. They're eternally at bliss never worrying what tomorrow shall bring. They've reached the finest hours of their life. They've reached nirvana and there's no turning back. It's like an eternal climactic point, no falling action and no resolution. It's endured finality. And every time it reaches my mind, I can't help but think about death. Seriously! But I realized wouldn't that kind of life be totally boring? I mean, souls alike would just be doing the same things over and over again. I guess I have overlooked something: that God is a timeless and spaceless God.

The way I think and reason out is not the way how God's mind operates. His is far more superior that I cannot imagine how it works. I cannot oversimplify things. What I imagine to be heaven may not be the real heaven at all. I know it's always better. And there's no way I could understand it right now.

In the same way, the manner I look at my life right now and the circumstances I'm in is not parallel with how God views it. I see it negatively; He sees it as positive. I feel I was abandoned and forsaken; He wants to make me feel that He's with me all the time. I feel I am betrayed; He is telling me He loves me. My points of view are always contradictions of His'. And unless I realized those, I would never ever align myself to Him. Unless I see that life as a test and a trust and that I am continuously being pressed for my enrichment, I would never understand my circumstances and would never see His magnificent plan for me.

Day 04: Made To Last Forever

Surely God would have not created such a being as man to exist only for a day!
No, no, man was made for immortality.
-Abraham Lincoln

The existence of God, the existence of human freedom, and the existence of the afterlife presuppose the possibility of ethics. These elements are the necessary pre-conditions, the conditio sine qua non, without which ethics would seize to exist.

Ethics, being focused on the morality of human acts, necessitates first the subsistence of God, of a Higher Being, who is the only Arbiter. God therefore is the Final Judge, solely responsible in dispensing justice as to the moral repercussions of man's action.

Another element, human freedom, rests on man's ability to choose for himself what action to do amidst diversified choices and circumstances. Without this ability, man could not be held responsible for his actions because he would have merely acted upon some programmed commands.

It is in the afterlife where man is later on judged by God. It is where retribution or redemption is served. And without the immortality of the soul, the Arbiter could not decide upon the manner how man's freedom is exercised during his earthly life. And the logical connection is complete: faith in God necessitates the belief in the afterlife-that man is made to last forever.

My problem however is that given it is that I believe in God, that I'm on my way to spiritual recovery, would I let the promise of eternity be the driving force of my life? Must I do something good and righteous because I believe that God has something better in stored for me after this life?

I believe otherwise. I have faith in God because He is my God, not 'primarily' because He has a bag of promises. I served Him and His purposes because I know it is what I'm made for, not because I would be getting something in return.

Day 03: What Drives your Life?

The man without a purpose is like a sheep without a rudder - a waif, a nothing, a no man.
-Thomas Carlyle

Guilt. I am a captive of my past, imprisoned in a self-imposed cauldron of regrets and shame. They stuck on my memory. And I have grown accustomed playing them back on my head over and over. They have already emaciated me to the point of immunity.

Resentment & Anger. I have hold on to several grudges. Entertaining them has become some sort of a recreational activity. I resent my circumstances. I resent the fact that I cannot grasp everything. And it was I who’s often deeply cut, wandering in the unbearable.

Fear. I have stayed long overdue between the walls of my cot. I have always wanted to break-free. Yet, apprehensions, fear of the unknown and numerous anxieties were my appetizers. And I have indulged in them so much that I became afraid to venture out.

Materialism. I have carefully plotted my path towards limitless accumulation of material wealth. I believed there is happiness in it. I end up living beyond my means of subsistence, all because I mistook net worth as equivalent with self-worth.

Need for Approval. I have always valued other’s opinion to the point of compromising my own. Meeting my own anticipated expectations of others toward me has controlled my becoming. I have lost myself; my own conception of who I am has become distinctively blurred.

Denied by the First Premise, I thrived on the wrong purposes. With misaligned priorities and motivations, I have lost the vigor of living life and of being one with life. But the wonder of living is not so much on what I have gone through in the past and where I am right now. It lies on its inherent capacity to be changed and redirected—perhaps an automatic debugging device that checks for error, and corrects it later on; an auto-immune mechanism that repairs wounded tissues and estranged scars.

Day 02: You Are Not an Accident

God doesn't play dice
-Albert Einstein

My reflexes shudders in disbelief. The dictionary defines accident as "anything occurring unexpectedly, or without known cause." It adds further, "anything that happens by chance; fortune or misfortune." To say that I am not an accident therefore is to dig into the opposite of accident--that is something occurring intentionally and planned. Isn't it quite odd that I am here on earth with circumstances I never chose yet I'm still no accident? If I wasn't an accident, then how come I never took part in the planning? How come I never exercise any liberty to choose whether I should be here or what kind of life I should have been living? That could've perfectly made sense. But here I am struggling with most of my circumstances-personality, background and physique. Then I recall, it was not about me. It was about Him. And this is the only premise to start from. I am no accident because I was part of a cosmic purpose, "conceived in His mind even before I was born." Thus, there must be a reason why I am here. I must have a sense of purpose. And it made sense. My struggles are part of my formation. They're stretching me and pushing me to my limits because it is the only way that I can come out of my shelf and become the person He intends me to be.

Day 01: It All Starts with God

The Beginning of My Spiritual Journey
Inspired by the bestselling Purpose Driven Live

Unless you assume a God, the question of life's purpose is meaningless
-Bertrand Russel, atheist

It's not about me. It's about God. It's about living my life according to what He wants it to be. And I surrender to His larger, cosmic purpose.

For the past years, I have been looking, searching for the reasons why I exist? what is my purpose here? Logic tells me to defy a Higher Being that guides the objects in the universe because I believe in human capacity and free will. Predetermined by a God, man is reduced into a mere mechanical object, destined to surrender on the whims and caprices of a mighty Being. Thus, becoming homo ex machina.

And my efforts to search for the truth, for the supremacy of man were all futile. Reasons were all empty. It was like satiating an abyss, discovering the undiscoverable. Empty. Meaningless. It led me to defy things just for the mere sake of defying them. It encouraged me to take up on a stand to prove that I've got power over my will and to show that I don't bend. For me it's character. And character assassination it has often become.

When I question and doubt almost everything, I doubt more than I believe, leaving each bits and pieces of questions unanswered. And all I entangled myself with is a complex web of unending deceptions. A vicious cycle of making myself believe that I am getting the most out of it. Truth is, I never did.

Reason does not suffice another. It never ends. The only thing I got is a diversion away from the main question without knowing why and how.

Understanding the world, understanding reality, and understanding my circumstances were all focused on one single thing: me, myself and I. Alone. It was a centering principle projected on the “I”. Why me? Why am I here? Why these situations? Why not another circumstance? It was about forming the “I” based on what it perceived as shallow, mindless truths. It was about capturing the “I” in a selfish, conceited way.

Circumstances led me to de-center the “I”. To look for things beyond the center is to see the world in a bigger picture. To sensitize with the surrounding planes and images is to deconstruct the “I”. There, I immediately recognized that I am part of a social reality and a parcel of a cosmic one. De-centering the I also led me to accept the underlying truth that I am inherently weak and imperfect; that I cannot grasp and understand the world much as I want to. And there I began to see things I did not see before. I believed. I took chances on having faith.

And it was real. It was not about me. It was about Him.

--

“i was fuckin so crazy about him and i can't explain it
we were together for a about a year but he likes to got to the club
and i realized it’s not what i want
i just wanna be with somebody who just only wants to be with me
we don’t need to see other people
i just wanna be with somebody whom i can talk with and tell things i never told anybody”
-heard it from somewhere I couldn’t remember. last line’s a complete jitter.

I am happy. Heck, No! I am elated.

Since yesterday after I left home to do errands for my mom, I couldn't contain the joy that has overrode my senses. Prior to that, I have been sulking at my misfortunes, thinking deeply. Never did I imagine, even once, that I will experience them. Good thing this moment of gloom turned into a moment of bliss. And there are quite a number of reasons for this.

---

The first one is a realization that my tendency to problematize problems and mope over life's seemingly unending miseries made me overlooked the bright things in life. I was too fixated contemplating on what I do not have that I totally forgot those that I have. Maybe because of discontent. Maybe because I believe I deserve something more. Now, I have dug a hole that says, "looking on the bright side doesn't mean evading the not-so bright side, it simply means counting those blessings, those simple fortunes that elicit hope, inspiration and joy." After all, life is a juxtaposition of opposites, I have to see both sides and have to choose that side which is bearable, un-hurting, and detoxifying (read: de-stressing).

So I made a random list of those blessing I have right now:
1. My parents. I have my dad who has been sacrificing a lot and my mom who's sick but is fighting and now recovering.
2. BBear who is constantly keeping me company, sharing a lot of things and seeing me grow into the person I can become.
3. My college pals who constantly stick with me and remind me that they're there for me. I sms-ed them two nights ago and I was amazed at the responses. It was overwhelming that they care.
4. My pals and acquaintances at the ministry who were very accommodating and unquestioning. They were very good at inspiring me to revive my spiritual life.

Surprisingly, the list made me realize another thing: that I have been investing on people and on building relationships. I think this is crucial because once I made a very good and stable foundation, I know they would stay with me for the rest of my life. Only I have to sustain them.

---

Another reason happened last night, during the midweek service in the ministry, where I was asked by a pastor to share a testimony of faith. I knew it was coming. He was looking at the crowd and was trying to catch my eyes. I was evading at first. Talk about timidity. But he couldn't help it. And when I finally looked at him, he called for my name. And left with no choice, I stood up, proceeded before the crowd and marked a career in public speaking.

The audience was few, mostly youth. They sang before me a "happy birthday" thingy before I was able to share a testimony of faith. Of course, it was about my mom. I told them she was hospitalized for three weeks and how I personally took care of her for two weeks, tending her needs. I shared how difficult and unbearable the situation could have been: mentally, emotionally, financially, and physically even. Yet, I surrendered everything to Him, let His will take its course, did my share-that which is within my capacity, and took a leap of faith. Fortunately, with His grace, she is now recovering and we were able to pass a phase of this challenge as a family.

The experience is so exhilarating that I wasn't able to contain myself and sms-ed my pals back in Palawan. I got the same responses from virtually all. They were saying they were proud of me: the chief pastor and his wife, my colleague at work and the youth I served.

And knowing that these people care and that they count everyone accepted made me feel at home. More so, they are speaking without speaking that He is real, creatively working things out for His children. I guess, I have hit two birds with one stone at this. Not only did I find a place where I can belong, I also found Him in the midst of my adversities.

---

When people at church that were already close to me and the not-so started to and kept on greeting me happy birthday, it reverberated on my ears and struck me, it was really my birthday. And there is no better way to celebrate it than accepting my life, that I am living, and now, living with the One. When I accepted that I am human, weak and frailty, and that I cannot have a full grasp of the inquiries I have because someOne is already and has been doing it for me, truly, it made things less burdensome. The revival of my spirituality coinciding with my birthday speaks of a living proof that I am making the right choice: that is, the path towards spiritual recovery.

Coincidentally, two church people gave me the same message. It says: "For I know that plans that I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Now, I can't wait to have those plans laid down. I can't just while my time away. I knew I have to act as well because faith without action is futile.

---

Oh by the way, while I was trying to capture my sleep, a lot of people sms-ed me, greeting me a happy birthday. Most of them were from the list I just made. Of course, I expect some other close friends to greet me, but I wouldn't mind if they don't. I really don't believe in birthdays based on ageing after all. Not that I am afraid to add a year on my socially constructed years of living here on earth. It's just that I find it perverted when people base their capacity to do and achieve things on age.

Where shall I begin my story?

Where shall I begin my story?

It's five minutes past six in the evening. And there are a lot of things that plays recurrently on my mind. Pass on heavy reflections. Go beyond emotional crashing. I haven't blogged for ages and I can sense my fingers are hungry to devour on the keyboard and feast on that cursor blinking before my eyes.

But where shall I begin my story? The past days kept on lingering in my mind, as if urging me to capture them and relive them in my memory.

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Shall I begin it with the day I left for Palawan two months ago? Why not? That afternoon I first set foot on the island is still vivid on my memory as clear as the blue palette penetrating the sky that same day. I went there to attend a summer youth camp organized by a friend.

Who would have thought that I would stay there to do volunteer jobs for the youth? Not to mention it was a youth ministry (read: church ministry). And knowing how censorious I am regarding religion, religiosity and the concept of God, I could have backed off initially.

After spending my first week at a generally successful summer youth camp, I can hardly imagine how I was able to live each week day waking up in the morning just to go to church and going back home late in the evening. More is it unimaginable of me waking up first thing in Sunday mornings just to attend three church services. It was hectic. Each day I am in church. Each moment I spend with church people. They apply their devotion and faith. I profess ideas, concepts and theories.

I admit though that it was a turning point in my life-a sudden and unexpected shift of trajectory. I was caught off guard at first because I was adamantly fixated with the beliefs I have been adhering to for quite some time now. I was rigid and unyielding. But as each day passed, and in each moment I bumped into, I encountered God. It was inevitable. And I know I made the right choice.

As I looked below from the plane's window a month and two weeks after, I just concede that Palawan gave me perspective. I have seen pictures bigger than what I am used to. That there's more to life than yielding into the visible world and its caprices. That there's more to life than proving one's self worthy of recognition by the majority. Beyond that, it is still the invisible and the selfless, defiant deeds that shall matter in the end.

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Or shall I begin it with the day I set my foot back in Manila? And how grave I suffered from separation anxiety and emotional crashing that day? One reason is that I had a hard time saying goodbye to people I had established relationship with. It was short. Nonetheless, meaningful. It's really hard to re-focus once again. Another is that going back home knowing that my mom's in the hospital is really something debilitating to the spirit.

I have spent my time with my mom for the last three weeks in the hospital. The first week, I just visit her everyday because we got a helper to accompany her. And I spent each night with her for two weeks tending her needs.

I can recall two incidences which brought me into tears and agony while taking care of her. One was when she asked me "Jan, punasan mo naman ako o" (Jan, please have me sponged) in a very little voice, as if I was then only one in control. It was there that I felt I was her body: her hands and feet. It was sweet and loving, but it can be stressful and dislodging as well.

I can only sense how she is feeling in each moment she feels hopeless and helpless. And it hurts me bad. Scars me deep. For I never find the right words to say that it is totally okay with me doing these things for her. That even though sometimes I need to rest and start to flare up, I always concede and do the things I needed to. Because I know I owe it to her, in fact even more. Because I love her.

Another one was when we were having a small talk, and she blurted out "gusto ko na nga rin magpahinga eh, pagod na rin ako. Kaya nyo naman na. malalaki na kayo" (I already want to rest, I'm tired already. You're big enough to take care of yourselves." It is during this moment that I already conceded that inasmuch as I want her to live, let His' will take control.

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Or shall I begin it today, the day after she was relieved from the hospital? And how I was able to rest and think deeper about the stretching situations I have set myself in (or: myself have been set in) for the past months?

My dad called me early this morning and we had this little argument about our decision to let my tita take care of my mom in Cavite temporarily while I am attending some errands. He was frantic about my tita getting infuriated and digging into the past feuds and misfortunes. He was also dramatic and weary. Maybe about mom's condition. Maybe about my siblings' education. Perhaps our unstable financial situation.

And I couldn't help but understand him. In as much as I do not know what to do with my mom, he doesn't know much more. Her illness has been a burden not only to her but the family as well. And it was a burden that we have to tender to as much as we can and have it surrendered to His able will.

I really am in a crossroad of my life. It is a juncture between choosing to make my life right now, as what the rest of my batch is doing, or have it spent instead with my mom. Should I work or should I take care of my mom? The former speaks of me getting into the rat race, immersing into the "real" world to prove that I deserve the laurels I have got. The latter rests mysterious for I do not know until when it shall take me. Nonetheless, it shall be a selfless act that for sure I would never regret for the rest of my life.

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I must've known by now where to begin my story. And it's certainly not from where I left it off few months ago. But from a new morning with a new hope that another day shall pass and pass again and I shall never be burdened because I already surrendered them to Him and took faith in His unending Grace.