Back to work.

Christmas break is almost over. And here comes 2005.

I have once again realized the importance of planning ahead and keeping such plan at work. I know myself, more than anybody does. I know how gullible I could become, how fast my mind changes. My high school mentor once said that I have the initiative but I lack to vigor to keep it up. I always believed so.

It’s really easy to say that “I’m gonna change this time” and that “I’d do better”. To start anew is of the same thing. Yet, troubles come in at the point of keeping such promises. To sustain the energy level from the initial point to the end is a very difficult job. Those who are able to sustain it increase the possibility of attaining success while those who are not are left behind.

Sad thing, I may be one of them. And so here I am, after enjoying much of the break I am back to work. I still have to finish a lot of things due this week:

+ thinkpiece in pol theory
+ review for 60 item quiz in pol theory
+ paper in lit
+ forum stuffs

Arrggg.

I'm seating here in the breezy room of the computer laboratory, the class' second meeting since yesterday. Whew! Our first participation in the AB Student Council as the newly elected set of TPSF officers was a major flap. What is worst is that it was my fault.

Late Saturday afternoon, Lucky texted me to attend the meeting in the SC regarding the AB Unity Games, which started earlier this morning. I was very hesitant at first because I do not feel like going since I don't know anything about the meeting, I wasn't informed first hand what the meeting is about. Still, for some reasons I decided to go.

Come sunday and monday, I wasn't able to relay the information to Lucky and the concerned individuals because, hell, it totally slipped away from my memory. Funny thing is that I and Lucky spend the whole monday with ypl friends at SM City North. Haha, is this an early sign of alzheimer's??

Twelve o'clock AM, Tuesday. Lucky called and reminded me about the activity. I was shocked! We need to produce thirty heads for the parade.

Yea, it was my fault.

Trust, Love, and Letting go.

People are not to be trusted. It should always be one’s instinct that must prevail – the protection of one’s self, one’s survival and one’s preservation.

People are to be distrusted. They are inherently selfish and are inclined to the attainment of self-interested endeavors. They are always aimed at achieving their own goals and ambitions, towards maintaining their interests, and towards putting themselves on top, even at the expense of others.

Love does not conform itself with any set of rules. It is a spontaneous reaction to whatever situation there is. Love is a natural feeling that emanates from within. It is but an inherent reflection of what is really felt inside, no matter what the mind dictates.

Love is a fulfilling experience that completes another half of an individual, no matter what class, no matter what the social background is, no matter how things go.

Love is something, which no one could ever fool. It will always show at the right time, at the right place and moment with the right words. It goes to a place where it truly belongs.

Love hurts but any kind of stance must be taken with either confirmation or not. It is a spontaneous feeling void of control from outside forces.

The heart seems to have its own mind that the real senses could not in any instance control. The hardest thing that love brings is the moment when it has to let go and has to move on. It is a world where one could find himself alienated, alone and isolated.

Moving on, hard to accept as it is, depends upon other people. It is not possible not to use some one in order to move one, to revitalize one’s self and to forget the things one is accustomed to before.

Semester's over.

Semestral break brings a kind of relief to the agonizing pressure of the academic and university life. At the same point where it begun it has to end soon. This semester there are a lot of reasons to be thankful for and hopeful for.

I am glad that it is over because it has passed by fast as it should be. I have never, even once, enjoyed the semester that is why its ending is one of the most anticipated and hoped. I felt always pressured in maintaining my class standing and my GWA. Weird, very high school and childish, yet I gave up the fight and competition even with myself. My responses to every stimulus that would have improved my personality were dull and lethargic. I have in fact, been very resistant to change despite of my receptiveness about it. There are a lot of factors that I attribute this into like unsupportive professor and mostly family rooted. Bottom line is I was not able to handle well the opportunities that came along this semester along with the pressure where I let myself fell and decompose. Sad thing!

But then I am thankful because I passed the courses, not may be with a high degree of excellence I am expecting for myself but at least I get to pass it. Well, that is life sometimes I am up sometimes I am not. I am thankful that there exist these people who motivated me to excel and move along the horizon further. There was this professor who encouraged me to run for president of the The Political Science Forum. There was this person who pushed me to join the AB Debate. I was invited to be an officer of the AB Red Cross. There was this person who completely trusted my abilities that he included me in very extra-curricular activity. It is just so sad that I have not been very consistent and, like what I said, I have become resistant to change. I owe them due credits because I found out that there exists people who trust me and the things I can do without me fully realizing it.

And after this point in the chronicle of my life, there is no way but straight ahead. Because of this, there a plethora of things I find myself hopeful for in the coming semester. I need a reorientation of my goals in life and redirection of my life. I have to find my real happiness. It is in this light that I have to find a new school before the second semester begins.

Asian Power and Politics.

There comes a point in time when even no matter how hard i try to keep myself in focus, everything seems to suck up. It is accepted that due to human frailty it is but natural, once in a while, to be not only out of focus but to be deviated from the path one is taking.


This semester, I find myself weary and out of bounds. Many reasons are to be accounted for. Many factors are to be considered. However, I failed to cope with each in the best of my ability, evident today on rushing and cramming over a paper I should have passed last week.

Much time is given to us in preparation and in writing our final course paper in POL262 a.ka. asian politics and development under Atty. Bong Lopez. As far as I could remember it was given at the beginning of the semester. Two to three weeks after, I already have my topic at hand and the three books to be reviewed. These are:


1. David Kolko’s Vietnam: Anatomy of a Peace
2. William Duiker’s Vietnam after the Fall of Saigon
3. Spencer Tucker's _______________________


Eager and excited as I am I begun to read it and envision the trajectory of my paper. But as days passed, I find myself corrupted by the whim of idleness. This may be overrated, but then I have crammed in finishing my paper, a thing which I am little by little getting used to as I shifted with my priorities.

Choices, cycles and life.

It’s been a while since the last time I put into writing the overwhelming facts of time that has shaped me into what I become and becoming right now. Looking back, it is really upon those choices, either good or bad, favorable or not that has been the most influential factors in search for the right path toward my goals. Its impact is great, not necessarily felt right now but maybe in the near future. Who knows?

Life is a cycle. Sometimes we are even in a state of déjà vu. But haven’t we thought that this maybe some kind of an omen? It maybe a sign of whatever there is that shall come to fore. The thing is we will never know unless we get there. And when we're there, we can only look back, ponder upon whatever it is that happened and redirect our lives.

It is in this deep introspection that we realize the significance of things that has happened into our lives. Both good and bad experiences alike are reflections of what life means. In the long run, all of these create a mark that will make us better persons.

However, it does not end on mere reflections and introspections. After thinking, actions must be imperatively done. Action decides whether or not we have been decisive and responsive. The way we act upon a single matter shows our ability to cope and adjust with the dilemmas life brings. If and when we have been unsuccessful, it must really not matter. For, as has been said, life is a cycle. That is why days seemed to end never.

It is in this process of facing everyday that we happen to know our mission in life, the reason why we are here and the purpose of our existence. It is in the way we manage to keep these days aligned with our lives, aligned with our goals, dreams and ambitions. It is really a matter of outlook, a matter of how we see things and of how we envision things as they appear before our very eyes.

Hard as it is, unmanageable as it appears to be, we will never know until we involve ourselves into its very core. Only through it shall we see the meaning that we are looking after. It is really a matter of using our rationality that we find confidence in accomplishing our tasks. For what is it that we exist for, when we fear of things we should not be.

Billions and billions of people moving around the world, all seeking for things they think will make them happy. But what is it really that will make man happy whose very nature is discontent? As the world gets complex and intricate, man’s happiness becomes more and more temporal. The basic values and life’s simplicity is sacrificed.

As days goes by and life goes on we can only hope for better days unless we found out what is it that will really make us happy, not temporally but eternally. When everything seems to be elusive, think again, life is a cycle everything is manageable.

Finding the meaning.

These past days, I have been worrying too much deciphering things. I have been thinking too much about the world, about reality and about my place in it, small and insignificant as I am.

I came across the idea that the world is unfair several times. And each day, as I try to situate and find my place in it, I feel less and less significant no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I struggle. Everyone virtually does the same thing of figuring out their purpose, of knowing themselves and of deciphering the reasons of their existence. I wonder how much of these ‘everyone’ finds what they are looking for. If for the reason of being happy they will to sacrifice and struggle, how much of this ‘everyone’ finds the real and genuine happiness? And if happiness the heart so long seeks after is found is it necessarily equivalent with peace and well-being? Is it something beyond the temporal necessities of life? Who knows what, then?

Several variables inevitably arise in conjunction with one’s search of meaning. These factors apparently seem to be unfathomable. But when tried to ponder upon and when willed to be probed at, it reveals a deep connection and link with almost every aspect of life. But when neglected and left obscured, these variables gradually weakens the person to the point that giving up life is considered.

Of the two, I find myself hanging in the midst of trying to run away from these variables. First, although I kept on thinking about them as they kept haunting me, it is apparent that I try not to deal with them, even obscure them in fact, as I willed to resolve in inaction. Second, it further hinders my developmental process and gradually decomposes my personality, thus, leaving me weak and helpless. And worse, it makes me want to give up.

I never really understood clearly why things happen not as I want them to happen and why even how hard I try to change my trajectory it still does not work. Where am I wrong? Do I deserve this life I am living right now because of my inability to cope with things? Or because these are punishments from a Divine being I believe and have faith in that suddenly is shaken?

I never really understood why of all the people including me, my mom would have myelodysplasia anemia? Why she should suffer such, when she does not deserve to. I know it well since she never fell short of taking good care of us. Despite of all the sacrifices a mother has done and willing to do for her children, all the prices’ worth is suffering? All the prices’ worth becoming so pale and thin, almost lifeless; being hospitalized twice, thrice in a month; being not able to eat well; undergoing blood transfusion and several other treatments. It struck me right in the deepest part of my being.

I never really understood why in the same time my mom is in such an unimaginable condition, my dad was not able to pass his adaptation period. Right then, we are financially unstable. Despite of all his sacrifices and hardships he was not able to have his target job and earn what he deserves. All because he was setup; he was a victim of racial discrimination. Unfortunately, until now he is in the same status two years ago, still struggling and hoping. So many mistakes were committed in the past, and now when the time has come to correct it, luck seems to be inexistent.

I never really understood why I have become so indifferent and pessimistic about the situation. Two of the most important persons bothered with such a great crisis amidst my struggle with harsh realities and against the world, my dreams and ambitions and my personal growth and development, where shall I be?

Now, I really do not know where to begin in taking my step towards achieving my goals. As the eldest, I am yet to make major sacrifices. I am yet to make major decisions that will affect not only my life but my family as well.

Strange anger and remorse are what I am feeling right now. But I do not know who is to blame?

My mind soars to different situations and different approaches to the things I must do to deal with these quandaries that beset me. Sometimes I become so nostalgic that I fear most about my future. Looking back, I have a simple yet happy life back in my hometown. I have what I want and I do what I want.

I am a student leader, active member of virtually all organization in the campus, representative to all seminars and conferences outside the school, organizer of almost all activities and seminars inside the school, quiz bee’s champ, and consistent first-honor student. People look up to me, and all these I do, not in pressure but in fun and in joy.

I have a supportive family, nice set of friends and supportive teachers. I can buy what I want – signature clothes and apparels, advanced cellular phone models, etc. I look better, even. I might not have the best but I have what I want and what I need.

Now, life has become so different to the point that I am not happy to live anymore and that the reason that I continue to exist is just merely for existence minus the idealism and dreams in me. Yes, I still have those but they lie not apparent, concealed and blurred by the sad realities of and about life.

True, I was not able to cope with these changes well. I might be better compared to others. But this is not the kind of life I have expected to have. Each frustration that has come along my way has accumulated so strongly that it deteriorates significantly the strength and the power I have. I have become very sensitive to what other people has to say about me. I have become too conscious of committing even a single most minute mistake. I have become, at large, a perfectionist in the most literal sense of the term.

I do not know what is left for me in the future. No on knows. I believe. But in the innermost element of my being, I believe there is still little hope which if shaken can either bring back the glory I have or put me instantly to death.

I know not what to do right now. I live each day trying to fulfill my obligations to all institutions I am connected with. Just that. Nothing more nothing less. If someone is to ask me if I am happy right now with what I am doing, I, for sure, would just bow down and say ‘no’ as an answer. Why? Because I still do not know why I have come to reach this place, why I am here. I am still struggling, weak and empty, in a world I do not understand.

I am to decipher still, the things that bother me most.

True, life is a constant struggle of searching one’s place and building one’s own world that will give meaning to one’s existence. Life is an enigma that boggles the mind but fulfills the spirit. And life is a continuous process of learning and unlearning things, even those things seems to be unimportant.

Sloth in me.

The sloth in me flows over my veins today, again, and it’s giving me mental paranoia paralyzing my whole system and disabling me to think clearly and act decisively. Considering our loads aren’t heavy as that of the other section, I should have done all readings and papers by now. But heck, I barely start any.

Consistency, sticking to whatever I do, is something I scarcely develop over the past years. I am fickle-minded and my attention span is below zero degrees. I have imbibed within me the habit of suspending things though I know I can do it by the time I think of it. True, it seems I am more inclined to make grandiose thinking than acting, of theory rather than praxis. I have mastered the art of procrastination and cramming.

And this worried me so.

First, I have been bothered by my performance in school lately. It seems to be somewhat deteriorating and worsening. In the past written exams I barely had a grade higher than ninety. This is not because I haven’t study but because I didn’t study well. I admit it I am terribly worried about getting low grades and not making it to the dean’s list next semester. Why? This is the only achievement I’ve got and proud of.

Second, if I cannot get rid of this and discipline myself right now, what am I in the next five-to-ten years? What I am today will have a great impact on the person I am to be. Whatever it is that I learn to make a habit right now will be something hard to unlearn in the future. Until I am imprisoned within this indolence I am never gonna make it far. Until this sloth flows throughout my veins, I am never gonna hit the mark.

I have been acting strange, trying to do my best, wanting to do good but mother-luck seems not to be on my side, or just so I thought. Who needs luck anyway? Prelims over, I am ought to pick up the shattered pieces of my goals, plans and dreams. I’ll make it sure this time the sloth in me will never flow over my veins again.

Reaching my mind.

I was reading something. It was an old file but not that old. I suddenly realize I am about to cry. I cried. True, this maybe the emotional side of me, my tears are shallow. But somehow, maybe because this time I was overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed by the feeling I love to feel. I love to feel because it is something comforting. It touches the deepest and most intimate part of my being. Whether or not it is part of my imagination; and whether or not it is a feeling I am just forcing myself to or the circumstances maybe, I love the feeling. Such emotion is beyond compare, beyond the concept embodied in a word. It is something beyond my control at the moment. I could not wait for the time when this becomes mutual. Not only such strange and inexplicable feeling is felt by me but by the one as well. All I know I that right now, right at this very moment… I think of the one.

Inbox.

I am beleaguered with a number of frustrations. I do not have to lay them down explicitly bit by bit. I have known some things previously unknown or just left unnoticed or just deserted to be seen. But since empirical evidences are not present to validate whatever supposition I held right now, whatever conception I have woven remains questionable to a certain degree. How I wished I have not noticed it and neither have been open about it in the first place. But in spite and despite of what happened I am keeping my fingers crossed that whatever signs that have been noticed be recognized and accepted. For whatever signs that have turned out to be illuminated in the past days are true and genuine.

Initials.

The weekend is over, yet I have not done anything with sense. I hope this made sense. I feel like I am hopeless. There is this thing that I want to do which I cannot. I cannot because there are certain restrictions the world imposes or maybe those restrictions are in itself inherent. Some thing beyond the realm of my control. For whatever reason there is I never thought I could think of something as I did today. I almost did it in fact. If it were not for the different things I considered I have almost done it. Shame on me - the same old selfish and inconsiderate me. It is I think the very same reason why I think of things that must be done by someone who is on the right mind. on the right mind? I hope I still am. I hope I do. There are just so many things that kept on bogging me. With all these things I feel lucky because I still get enough sleep when in fact I should not be getting such. Things in this world seem so unfair. Well, at a certain degree, it really is. It made me comprehend less how and what life is. It made me so small, so minute to be considered even by the most special people in my life. I have not really made sense about my life. I am hopeless. Hell! I am just being paranoid.