"Heading home, walking unaccompanied, I found myself in deep conflicting thoughts. The thoughts unfolding, apparently building, rising – fast paced, made me feel small and non-existing. I would have wanted to, in fact, amid the stillness of the earth-structures and mobility of creatures, blend with the perpetual moving wind and be visionary imperceptible... gone with it forever."
Least did it occur on my mind that a person would tell such a remark barely humane. A person, rational and in a right state of mind would be mindful of his words, sensitive to the object of such thought and kind enough to seek whether or not it is offending. And take it from someone who’s like a brother, even more, suffice it is to feel down, embittered and disappointed. That very act is a dissipation of morale and tramp upon the ego.
This rancorous incident keeps on resonating between my auditory senses.
As we are about to leave the premises of ab after the anti-anxiety lapuz exam, my group was discussing the plan of going to EK this coming saturday. I asked **** to leave right there and then, as what she did just yesterday. To be more considerate of it, I decided to wait and went to the guidance ofc for a while. I was with **** then. We stayed there for almost a minute or two and left immediately. We walked towards the group. They were standing in front of rizal con still on the same subject.
Meanwhile, adjacent to the avr are seats occupied by few people, some of them are acquaintances. ********, ***** and few ca’s were there. **** was a bit ahead of me. Our steps were fast-paced, I overheard someone by the name of **** jokingly exclaimed “*****”. Then this **** noted further “** ***, *****” with obvious disbelief and reproving thought in a reproachful tone. I didn’t look back, advanced towards the group, asked **** if she wanted to leave her book to me and bring it home, and with no word, even a simple gesture of goodbye, walked away.
I felt really bad. I wanted to shrink as I passed among the crowd. I felt so alone – needing company, as I always do. I admit that I am not one of the best looking people, not even better.
Added to this is the condition that I have to endure, which until now I ponder upon why, look for non-obvious answers and try to understand even if I cannot and will not. I did not want this to happen, it comes along and it’s really frustrating. There are times that I do not want to go to school anymore, just stay home and do other things instead. One reason probably why cannot do the things I can do and supposed to do as a student and student-leader is this condition. It hinders me because I am a perfectionist - I believe that if things come in complete package, its better. I am conscious – I want to project to the outside world that I am some body and I am good. I am vain – I want to look presentable, at least, to be appreciated and warmly received.
I am having a hard time coping with this. It lowers my esteem and deteriorates my being. I cannot wait any longer.
And with this remark, a kind comment and zealous gesture from a friend, it builds upon me a structure of disappointment and frustration. More than ever, I now realize the fact that I do not have the right to exist and do things that others can. I am a nobody - non-existent – a minute particle in this world whose place is unknown and irrelevant and even if it strives, it is unwarranted.
There are limits to the capacity of every individual. It is just so f*cking darn thing that even I am aware of the fact and believe that I can do better than what I am right now, this some what simple thing to others but big deal to me is the very limit to the maximum and optimum development of my skills and abilities.
I would have done better, I would have been better. But sad to say, I have to endure this until it gets off. This very thing that despairs me most plus a most unlikely comment is adding insult to injury plus coming to some one considered as a comrade, it is really disappointing.
Now, I believe there are reasons no more to trust and unlock my life to this person, as much as this do to me. I trust easily but hardly give it all. My life has never been an open one. I rarely talk about it and open it – only to some but these are just a minor portion of a whole. And if it does, it is divided to few individuals not on a single one. Bottom line, trust is some thing not to be given. I am glad that I did not start to share. I would have been disappointed more.
Now, one thing seems to be so sure, I will keep my self at a distance – mindful but insensitive.
No comments:
Post a Comment