Reading the Signs

And yet not a dream, but a mighty reality-a glimpse of higher life, broader possibilities of humanity, which is granted to the man who, amid the rush and roar of living, pauses four short years to learn what living means.
-W.E.B. DuBois

Lately, I have been seriously pondering about the turn out of events in my life. God is directing me towards serving Him through a youth organization that I helped taking care of last summer. Signs are vividly presenting themselves before me. And it's quite a stupidity if I relentlessly discount each one of them.

First, right after graduating, I never had a clear goal of what to do with my effing life. They were dynamically shifting from God knows what. I want to take a masteral degree without clearly knowing which field would I concentrate on. My thoughts range from taking political science to economics to foreign policy to organizational psychology to business administration. It went as far as pursuing back my childhood dream of going to medicine school and be a physician to pursuing the reason why I took political science as my major, to enter law school and become a feisty lawyer one day. But honestly, I was just left wanting and more confused. Of the many things I wanted to do and amidst knowing that I can commit myself to any of it, I failed to come up with one definite plan as regards my post-graduate education.

Second, a few days after going off from college, I tried on venturing into the corporate world. My degree was not my passport. It can never sounded so "corporate." My relatively good communication skills and command of the english language allowed me to pass the application process on a reputable business-processing organization (read: call center). That was early April. I could have started immediately and perhaps been earning profusely by now, but at that very decisive moment when I was asked to sign the six-month contract of selling my soul to the whims and caprices of the capitalist industry, I turned it down. I am very glad, I had the guts to do it. I believed with my credentials, thinking I deserve something more.

Third, at mid April, I was invited by my friend to attend and observe a summer youth camp that their group organized. Unhesitatingly, I said yes. Before awakening my senses to see if I wasn't dreaming, I was already riding on the ferry bound to Palawan. With what I saw there, I confirmed what in my classroom I learned only as a theory. There I have directly felt despondent realities.I realized, no amount of social theories, nor of political thoughts had actually revealed what I felt while standing on the actual scenario. There are so many things to be changed. And these won't take place in a wink of an eye. But at least, they've got to be started by transforming the youth. I have found myself in my friend's vision. Next thing I know, I was being transformed by it, slowly dedicating myself in such an advocacy never unfamiliar to me. I spent more than a month in Palawan, with the youth and the organization, sharing my ideas and thoughts on how the system might be improved and overhauled.

Fourth, after that crusade I went back to Manila to find out that my mom was ill again. She was hospitalized for almost a month, burning money skewedly proportional to its production. At that time when I thought I could be tendering a quite impressive resume to some reputable company, I was held back by mom's ailing condition. I have to become a full-time "physician" and a "nurse" rolled into one. I prepare food for her, bathe her, assist her everytime she needs to use the bathroom, accompany her during her check-up, and do several errands for her. But I never see those as a burden though, but rare moments and opportunities to spend with her to, at least, compensate the lost times. No amount of riches can certainly replaced those moments.

Fifth, my personal struggles concocted with that of my mom's, have drawn me closer to what once I called as a Supreme Being that promotes order in the universe. Now, that Being is my God. His son, Jesus, is my savior. Slowly, gradually, but surely I am knowing them. I am recognizing my spirituality and the need to share it with others. Proudly, I could say I am on my way to becoming a Christian-a real Christian-no pretense, no adulterated intentions. Right now, I am developing a habit of earnestly checking my motives. I want it always to be pure and real, impossible it is in a human perspective. But when it is done to turn back to God what belongs to him, I know it is possible.

These turn out of events have ingrained in me so much motivation not only to rethink the values that I hold on to but more importantly, to know what it is that makes me happy. Apparently, I found home in God. I found comfort in his purposes for me. I found myself wanting to become his instrument in transforming other peoples' lives, uplift their consciousness and inspire them, as I myself have been uplifted and inspired.