I have a mom that is ill. I have a dad who's not been with us for six straight years. I have a scarred relationship with them because I decided to go away and seek my own life.
Accused of running away from a socially inculturated obligation, I might appear guilty beyond reasonable doubt in the courts of men. And there are no defenses neither conclusive evidences that will acquit me from this crime.
This is how other people would look at me. They would always see their own perception of reality from their position. On my part, this is would be unbearable struggle that I have to contend with.
The issue is unresolved. And I want to shout to the world why I chose the things I choose. It is not to reap a comfortable and almost problem-free life. It is not to enjoy a considerable amount freedom. Neither it is to run away from an obligation that I am expected to do.
This burden is tougher to carry since I was never oblivious to my own predicament. I swear to God, I never intend all these things to happen. I just couldn't delay some things that is why I have to decide on what to do with my life.
Unfortunately, I was called to share my life other people beyond the discomfort of my home. And thus, I chose to leave with my heart breaking, with a piece of my humanity beaten and torn.
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My teaching experience is an everyday discovery of the things that I am capable and not-so capable of.
Interestingly enough, I am learning to be more patient. I am learning to respect the liberty of other people by not being tyrannical with my scheme. I am being reminded occasionally of my own biases and prejudices, and that I may stand objective upon them. I experience a profound struggle in ordering myself and in simulating professionalism. Others do it thru pre-established conditions. I, on the other hand thrive in an environment where I had to be strict in defining self-discipline.
Though sometimes I would look back to my past and see what I thought I would be like. And I could only weep in exasperation as I lift myself up, contemplating that I was meant for something much more than this. And what a humbling experience I've got from dreaming so high, from trying to reach the heavens, and from regarding myself supreme.
My past achievements, which I thought was my passport to the world I dreamt of, are just a remnant of a past. I cannot use them because somewhere, somehow I had to start anew. And so the high dream, the lofty heaven and the high regard are now set aside. I had to go back to square one and prove myself worthy in the so-termed real world. This is a new battleground. This is a new fight.
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And so a humbling experience came seem out of nowhere. But now I am inclined to believe that this is just part of a grand design for me. Call it a blueprint, a master plan that carries a series of codes to be decoded. Albeit difficult, there must have been some value in it. Some value, which I had to decipher myself. And I am up for the challenge.
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A very good friend of mine, once asked me in an SMS if I am trying to escape the rigours in Manila. Honestly, it struck me. I know it's a no nonsense inquiry.
Am I really here because I shunned myself afraid of what lies in Manila? That of the unknown. Yes there could be a promise of an investment-return albeit pretty short-term career; but I can't resolve myself to that. Perhaps it's an issue of the ego.
How about my mom? Could I just be selfish enough not to think of my family at this midst of crises? But we all make our own life and the destiny that lies ahead is certainly of our own making and choosing. Maybe I have known Palawan because it shall serve me some purpose. Something that may be beneficial for them in the long run. Not now. But in the future, I am certain.
I cannot rub myself of an experience that I will cherish for a lifetime and that would in itself be life-changing for the sheer relevance of having to stick with my family. Parting ways. Moving on is never an easy thing to do. Yet, it is always inevitable.
But why now?
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