What To Do Now?

Here comes a point where understanding is too much elusive; and thinking perpetually amusing.

I have been undergoing a major overhaul lately. Too many things caught me up thinking in circles. After my mom died two weeks ago, I certainly had to do a lot of reorientation of priorities. It is not easy. And right now, I don't think I could muster the courage to grasp it all at once.

Honestly, my state right now is like the ocean shore or the sea shore or whatever. I know when the tide is coming up or low. But I am uncertain of how high or low it could be. In short, I am lucid but still my bottoms' are shaky.

For one, losing my mom when translated practically would mean I had to position myself to be a quasi-head of the family. Dad will be back in UK so I would assume responsibility of tending over my siblings. But of course, I just had to, oh well, act as an overseer. I always believed in a no-too-hands-on caregiving for I am in no position to rob off others with their own life experiences and discoveries.

So there I am, standing on subtle soils. Of course, I just can't shrug the fact of what to do with my own life given the circumstance that my parents would have wanted me to go to law school. And so it resurfaced. Oh well honestly, the reason why I decided not to take it is pathetic. I think I can't do it. I thought I am not for its rigors. Hence, I delimited my capacity even before I tried it. But it was also aggravated by the family's financial status and my own drifting to somewhere else.

And the complicated thing right now is: career or vocation? My stint in Palawan is not something I could easily give up on.

One, I had seen so much potential in it that I know I am going to grow with it perspective-wise. It can be about defeating what my college professor once said: that the youth of today cannot totally customize to what the great Rizal envisioned them to be because they have to watch over their lives first. On the contrary, the great sacrifice will be: even if you don't have and amidst all odds, you still pushed through it all.

Second, in my principle the things of this world are obviously meant to just lure you and it can't go in immortal. The phase is even a vicious cycle of acquiring and losing. It's about petty triumphs and significant failures. Oh well, that is the basic dynamics of life.

Third, what I started there I have yet to form a strong foundation. I haven't finished anything yet nor proved my worth to leave and start another. Besides, if I'm gonna retract I had to be certain where to go even though its murky.

One thing is sure for now: no one's gonna make things certain for me, I had to make it myself.