Boring Class Wears Prada

Class was boring this morning. I was somewhat lethargic. I didn't know the exact the reason why. I was thinking if it's about the other one leaving today or I am just basically feeling languished.

I felt I was babbling. And I don't make sense. If I did, maybe my class didn't understand my discussions.

Oh crap.

One thing I disgust is to be caught unprepared in front of a crowd. Though those people in front of me are 4 years my junior, and they basically may not have any effing idea of what's running inside my head, it's an awful feeling that I was like taking baby steps trying to make sense.

I am not really ranting here but my God, I was making a way to reach out because I will be spending my time with these kids for ten full months, and at this point I am like lost child in the wilderness.

On the other side though, what I am doing right now is pretty much exciting.

For one, I am exercising something I have often shrugged off before - to talk in front of people. I am looking at this as some kind of a training, some kind of an obstacle course I have to pass thru to reach a certain end. Not bad. Let's just say, I am like trying to improve myself in within a structure that is compatible with my capacity. Argh. That's pretty bad. But oh well, that's just it. I have to do something about it.

Another is that I am liked involved in a science project-experiment. I as the scientist and my students, the hamsters.

Hmm. Nasty.

But why not? This is the first time I going to teach seriously. This is the first time I am going to handle an advisory class. This is my chance of becoming an, err, a mentor. Big words for a growing kid.

I resolved that bottomline, changes that I want to make for the future lie in the input that I gambled in feeding on tomorrow's generation. Yikes. So much for someone who's internal struggle is bigger than what it appears to be. So much for my patriotic, love-of-country side.
I may not know what's going on inside my students' heads. But somewhat, somehow, I want to be part of it. Take a peek on it. Hold it. Perhaps, control it. So devilish, but so like me.

Darn, I watched the Devil Wears Prada the other day. I found myself understanding the world better. Simply put, there are things that we do not want to do and there are things that we are compelled to do because we have to. Our emotions, our interests become irrelevant because we're left with no other choices but to take what is already before us.

What we don't understand is that though we are just being pushed to do something, we are learning throughout the process. The way may be hard. The road may be very steep. Still, in the process we don't actually lose. In fact, we end up with our own gain.

The world we live in is so demanding, like Miranda. So cunning. So controlling. Andy succumbed to Miranda's will simply because she's her boss. Andy hated it. In fact, she was ranting like hell. But as she ranted more, she achieved more that eventually Miranda clandestinely liked the way she worked. Miranda even chose her to go with her to France over a more seasoned employee.

Andy eventually loved her work. Or let's just say she was consumed by every nitty gritty of her job. She let herself be dominated by her boss until a life of her own vanished into thin air. Only then did she realize, after she had gained almost everything she never wanted that there are more important things than that-her relationship with her boyfriend. After her character developed throughout the "tests" she went through, was she able to get a life of her own and gain her dignity.

Ah. Sweet plot. True enough, no pain, no gain.