Finding the meaning.

These past days, I have been worrying too much deciphering things. I have been thinking too much about the world, about reality and about my place in it, small and insignificant as I am.

I came across the idea that the world is unfair several times. And each day, as I try to situate and find my place in it, I feel less and less significant no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I struggle. Everyone virtually does the same thing of figuring out their purpose, of knowing themselves and of deciphering the reasons of their existence. I wonder how much of these ‘everyone’ finds what they are looking for. If for the reason of being happy they will to sacrifice and struggle, how much of this ‘everyone’ finds the real and genuine happiness? And if happiness the heart so long seeks after is found is it necessarily equivalent with peace and well-being? Is it something beyond the temporal necessities of life? Who knows what, then?

Several variables inevitably arise in conjunction with one’s search of meaning. These factors apparently seem to be unfathomable. But when tried to ponder upon and when willed to be probed at, it reveals a deep connection and link with almost every aspect of life. But when neglected and left obscured, these variables gradually weakens the person to the point that giving up life is considered.

Of the two, I find myself hanging in the midst of trying to run away from these variables. First, although I kept on thinking about them as they kept haunting me, it is apparent that I try not to deal with them, even obscure them in fact, as I willed to resolve in inaction. Second, it further hinders my developmental process and gradually decomposes my personality, thus, leaving me weak and helpless. And worse, it makes me want to give up.

I never really understood clearly why things happen not as I want them to happen and why even how hard I try to change my trajectory it still does not work. Where am I wrong? Do I deserve this life I am living right now because of my inability to cope with things? Or because these are punishments from a Divine being I believe and have faith in that suddenly is shaken?

I never really understood why of all the people including me, my mom would have myelodysplasia anemia? Why she should suffer such, when she does not deserve to. I know it well since she never fell short of taking good care of us. Despite of all the sacrifices a mother has done and willing to do for her children, all the prices’ worth is suffering? All the prices’ worth becoming so pale and thin, almost lifeless; being hospitalized twice, thrice in a month; being not able to eat well; undergoing blood transfusion and several other treatments. It struck me right in the deepest part of my being.

I never really understood why in the same time my mom is in such an unimaginable condition, my dad was not able to pass his adaptation period. Right then, we are financially unstable. Despite of all his sacrifices and hardships he was not able to have his target job and earn what he deserves. All because he was setup; he was a victim of racial discrimination. Unfortunately, until now he is in the same status two years ago, still struggling and hoping. So many mistakes were committed in the past, and now when the time has come to correct it, luck seems to be inexistent.

I never really understood why I have become so indifferent and pessimistic about the situation. Two of the most important persons bothered with such a great crisis amidst my struggle with harsh realities and against the world, my dreams and ambitions and my personal growth and development, where shall I be?

Now, I really do not know where to begin in taking my step towards achieving my goals. As the eldest, I am yet to make major sacrifices. I am yet to make major decisions that will affect not only my life but my family as well.

Strange anger and remorse are what I am feeling right now. But I do not know who is to blame?

My mind soars to different situations and different approaches to the things I must do to deal with these quandaries that beset me. Sometimes I become so nostalgic that I fear most about my future. Looking back, I have a simple yet happy life back in my hometown. I have what I want and I do what I want.

I am a student leader, active member of virtually all organization in the campus, representative to all seminars and conferences outside the school, organizer of almost all activities and seminars inside the school, quiz bee’s champ, and consistent first-honor student. People look up to me, and all these I do, not in pressure but in fun and in joy.

I have a supportive family, nice set of friends and supportive teachers. I can buy what I want – signature clothes and apparels, advanced cellular phone models, etc. I look better, even. I might not have the best but I have what I want and what I need.

Now, life has become so different to the point that I am not happy to live anymore and that the reason that I continue to exist is just merely for existence minus the idealism and dreams in me. Yes, I still have those but they lie not apparent, concealed and blurred by the sad realities of and about life.

True, I was not able to cope with these changes well. I might be better compared to others. But this is not the kind of life I have expected to have. Each frustration that has come along my way has accumulated so strongly that it deteriorates significantly the strength and the power I have. I have become very sensitive to what other people has to say about me. I have become too conscious of committing even a single most minute mistake. I have become, at large, a perfectionist in the most literal sense of the term.

I do not know what is left for me in the future. No on knows. I believe. But in the innermost element of my being, I believe there is still little hope which if shaken can either bring back the glory I have or put me instantly to death.

I know not what to do right now. I live each day trying to fulfill my obligations to all institutions I am connected with. Just that. Nothing more nothing less. If someone is to ask me if I am happy right now with what I am doing, I, for sure, would just bow down and say ‘no’ as an answer. Why? Because I still do not know why I have come to reach this place, why I am here. I am still struggling, weak and empty, in a world I do not understand.

I am to decipher still, the things that bother me most.

True, life is a constant struggle of searching one’s place and building one’s own world that will give meaning to one’s existence. Life is an enigma that boggles the mind but fulfills the spirit. And life is a continuous process of learning and unlearning things, even those things seems to be unimportant.