Who am I?.

i am a very paranoid person. i have got so many unnecessary fears and apprehensions. those fears emanate from deep consciousness and sensitivity to what other people might say about me, to how they might perceive me, and to the social environment i am immersed. those apprehensions emanate from my conscious desire to achieve perfection. i am a confessed perfectionist. i believe that the inner level of any thing is as much as important as the surface. i believe in details, in particulars, in minutiae. each level corresponds to a well coordinated body of links and correlations, embodying perfection. this must not necessarily reduce me, however, into a superficial being. i believe i am more than that.

i am a person of extremes and ironies. i trust too much without a difficulty, yet i do not give it all. with the many friends i have, none among them would haughtily claim that they knew me, in whole and totality. if some one is to make a memoir of me, it would definitely be an interwoven stories and facts, coming from varying sources. creative, truly, i must say, is that person who can make it. i live in each of my friends, in each person i knew as a parcel of a whole. i admit, i am guilty of living a secretive life, but never a folly. i can be very good, but to be very bad is something i have to try yet. i can be very devilish, at times, though.

i am a person who stands, more often than not, at the middle. i always take the middle ground because i see the positives in two diverging sides. i see, in details, that each side has its own share of the whole which encapsulates truth, respectively. some would say, “the hottest part in hell belong to the person who always stays at the middle,” and i say show me the hell-structure (as opposed to hell-living), first. i believe that each side has its own corresponding value that must be taken into account, after all, truth remains relative. universal truths are claims legitimized by the greater majority, by institutions that have asserted themselves arrogantly above others. when associated with one’s experiences, they may not be true after all.

i have yet to seek an understanding of my faith. the faith instilled in me during my childhood is being trampled upon by time and experiences. its initial vitality did not survive, but i believe it has a definite purpose i have yet to decipher. books and written testimonies are inspiring, but these are nothing compared to experiences which will induce one to trust and submit one’s self to a higher, ultimate Being who guides the universe and destinies of men.

love, is something i have yet to discover myself. love is learning. love, like life, is a continuous process of learning and unlearning. it has its own time. i believe, for me, it is not yet the right time. i have yet to prepare myself, when everything is ready, when all is well and done, i would be able to face the one whoever the person shall be. i believe i found her two years ago, but she did not find me. i do believe in destiny, but one, rather than being passive, must imperatively make his own destiny.

creativity rules my mind, but never did i use them with accuracy and precision. more often than not, complacency overruns me. bave i not been too sensitive and conscious, i would have done things better than the manner i have left them done. The greatest ironies in life, are those ironies, which are consciously created and deliberately ensued, none other than by ourselves.

i am driven. i know my goals. still, i aspire to know my destiny, what the future has, in store, for me, what lies ahead. directions vary, the road ahead traverses with so many a path, that i could not decide where to go. there so much things that i wanted to do, that i know i can. but courage defeated, i remain weak, submitting to the desire of the greater majority. though, I believe that I have to take the road less traveled, by then i would be able to make the difference i always have wanted to.