A minute past twelve, of the first day of January, I was drenched cold with tears. The fluid started to gush like an endless river. I cannot muster the courage to deal with it, to face it, for reasons unknown to me, denied to me by my very senses.
I was drenched with my own tears, in spite of the fact that I swore never to rant again, never to let an overpouring of emotion hover over my being. And it was the 2nd day of January, a day after 2006 came into fore.
Again, I find myself in deep consternation. I rebel against myself, against my being. I do not know why? I did not know how it started? It just suddenly dawned on me that I am inexistent. And if ever I do, I am alone. Alone, as I thrive along a journey, I am not totally familar with. Alone, as I amble towards an unknown quest. Alone, as I rekindle my strengths and gather my courage to will upon finishing a journey I did not start neither did I ever want to begin with, in the first place. Alone, as I move my feet forcefully along the miserable road.
A minute past twelve, past the density of 1st January, I found myself on the same spot I swore to depart from. It seems I was trapped, encapsulated in a cauldron without anyone to stand by my side, to hold my hands, and to hug my shoulders - to make me feel what I am supposed to.
A minute past twelve, marking the 2nd day of January, I was staring blankly at the wall across where I am lying, soaked within my tears and drenched in alcohol. I was supposed to be asleep, and dreaming in a faraway land, away from harsh realities.
But a minute past twelve, I was wide awake, sensing and caressing my being alone. There was a total silence, and voices from within were killing me gradually. I was drenched in my own tears, with no one to hold on to. The fact of the matter, I was alone in that cold, lonely night.
And I pitied myself, hoping that tomorrow will forever shun its life against mine.
5 comments:
alone. being alone is a phase, a phase where a soul can reminisce, rethink about anything. alone. being alone if not usually, sometimes, triggers the pain kept inside. alone. being alone is a self defense to the harsh world of reality. alone. being alone is not a choice. alone. being alone is recurrent. alone. being alone is unavoidable. BUt. alone. being alone is something to be embraced and not to be rejected for it is a source of a better and stronger self.
i do want to share some thought that i always keep in mind,, and i hope it can help you too,.
"Never Let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game",
it may be a bit "showbiz", but hey, it does make sense when you come to think of it. and it does in fact, help me a lot..
and, before i forget, i wish well for your mom, really, my prayers are with her always,, i know how it feels, tke good care of her,, tkcre as well,,like i always say, i may be the last person u'll run to if u have problems, but nonetheless, im stil here for u,,
ciao,,üüü
some would argue that being alone and lonely are two entirely different things...
i agree... in your aloness... you are physically one and have no one beside you... with you... or around you...
loneliness... is the cry of the soul that deafens the heart with its soft whispering and sobbing...
yet in both case, whether you are alone or lonely... there's a shed of hope echoing in the recesses of your being saying, "that indeed this too shall pass..."
The emotion may be overwhelming but take heart, what Free said is true. It will pass. It may not seem like it now, or even soon, but have faith. Only when you have gone through the deepest depths of loneliness and despair can you look at yourself in the mirror and say with conviction that you are strong. Only you can help yourself.
but if all else fails, here's a hug from someone miles away. -hug-
wow. i spent the new year locked in my room as i read a gabriel garcia marquez book. anyway, check on jen: i was called for recitation in poltheory. prof said he gave a 98 in the last one and he wonders what grade i'll get next. i was totally unarmed due to excessive indolence. I bluffed my way out thinking i could get away with it again.... nah... super wrong faraway answer. i bet i had a 60, or maybe a 50.
i won't tell you to cheer up because my words won't solve your problems. i just know that you are completely aware of what would be better for you and your life. just make the right decisions. i am a complete victim of foolish decision making... sooooo often. bah.
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